RUGS DEALER ARRESTED
Police were today getting smashed on supermarket lager in celebration of the seizure of a massive multimillion pound haul of illegal rugs in Stockton. After an anonymous tip off by us, Police raided the premises of businessman Les Beeyan, a supposedly respectable carpet salesman. Mr Beeyan's shop was an Aladdin's cave of class 'a' rugs of varying sizes and styles, some of them with a street value of up to £30! In particular were a selection of very nasty Persian and Turkish rugs which are often sold to young homemakers who don't know any better. They just don't go with anything! Mr Beeyan is said to be suing the Police on the grounds of being 'dangerously incompetent.'
A young Tees homemaker regretting his rug addiction, yesterday
ONE IN A MILLION BABIES
SPARK DISHARMONY
A pair of twins, one white, one black, has caused the marriage of the parents to fall into disharmony. Through a rare genetic twist the white mother gave birth to one white baby girl and one black baby girl.
The father, a black man, is said to be furious and wants to know who the whitey's father is. Doctors have tried to explain that both the babies are his and that a happy genetic mix up caused the difference in skin colours, but he is having none of it. After initially donning boxing gloves and punching every 'batty boy whitey' he could find, he is now stood in a field with his arms tightly folded refusing to speak to anyone.
The angry black man, yesterday
BRAVE DAVE TAKES
FIRST STEPS IN YEARS
A Thornaby man, diagnosed as a 'bone idle get' 9 years ago, yesterday took his first steps towards a normal life - he answered the front door all by himself! Dave Endomrph, 33, had his life shattered nearly a decade ago when he was rushed home from work with acute boredom. 'I'd totally lost my will to work, but to be honest it wasn't an overnight thing,' said Dave from his settee today. 'I'd been getting fed up with going to work since
I was 16. Even before that getting up to go to school was always too much like a chore.' He has been forced to live on a measly £450 a week hand out from the state ever since.
Dave's mum told us, 'He faces his condition with dignity, but I can see the agony he goes through every time he loses the TV remote, or wants another lager from the fridge, and just can't be arsed doing anything about it.'
However, yesterday he suddenly got a burst of energy, stood up, and actually answered the door to a Jehovah's Witness. 'He loves swearing at the Jovies and it really inspired him to take those half dozen steps,' said Mrs Endomorph.
We wanted to ask Dave if he intended answering the door again at some point, but we were ushered out of the living room by his mother as it was time for Countdown and Dave likes to be naked when watching Carol Vordermon. Apparently he puts a pair of reading glasses on his male appendage and creates a friend called Clever Dick who gets 'brainier' as the show goes on.
Dave, yesterday, and the day before presumably
BREAKDANCER WAS
BEING ELECTROCUTED
Crowds instantly gathered when a spontaneous and breathtaking break-dance show began in Stockton High Street yesterday afternoon. But, for Council electrician Tom Arto, it was nothing short of spark filled nightmare. Tom was repairing some faulty wiring when he accidentally took several thousand volts up the trouser leg and was sent randomly writhing and flailing about.
Passers-by stopped and cheered his performance not realising Tom was being electrocuted. One teen said, 'It was wicked man, he was, like, pulling all these amazing moves, spinning about and everything. And the flashes and sparks were well cool.' Tom's involuntary electrocution floorshow lasted a staggering 3 and a half hours before somebody smelt burning flesh and realised what was occurring. Tom is now recovering in hospital. He has been left with a permanent stutter, Chinese eyes, and several of his legs have fused together. On the plus side, he did raise £41.30 from people chucking their loose change at him in appreciation of his dance.
Cool action shot : fried Tom Arto, yesterday!
Easterside resident Clive Tits who, two years ago finally admitted that flying saucers are not real, and more importantly there's no such thing as aliens, has been found dead in his allotment shed.
Clive, 67, had been convinced of an imminent alien attack when he first noticed a sweet called Flying Saucers back in the 70's and bought a jar full. The sweets are made out of polystyrene and contain cocaine to which Clive obviously had a reaction. From that day on he became a paranoid delusional convinced UFOs were about to attack the Earth. Clive famously shot down - with his homemade bazookas - several 'Unidentified Flying Objects' over the years that all turned out to be either pigeons, seagulls or, on one occasion, a pterodactyl.
However, in 1999, he shot down the helicopter of TV star Noel Edmonds and kept the star - whom Clive thought was a Wookie - chained to a collection of old paint tins in his shed, or Area 51 as he called it. In 2005, it seems the effects of the low quality cocaine subsided and Clive's common sense returned. He released and apologised to Mr Edmonds who is thankfully back on our screens with Deal Or No Deal (ironically a gameshow about drugs) and Are You Smarter Than A Deaf Kid? In his autobiography, Noel was philosophical about his 6 year incarceration in a Teesside shed saying, 'These things happen.' Clive's body was found decapitated, possibly by a helicopter rotor-blade.
Genuine Alien Craft
The Sweet
'YES WE ATE THE PENSIONERS' ADMITS NURSING HOME STAFF
It should have been a peaceful end to a long and happy life for the pensioners of Barwick's Necropolis Nursing Home, but for the irresponsible and gutsy staff it was simply a weekend long feeding frenzy. Nursing Home Manageress Ruth Less has readily admitted she and her staff ate the pensioners over the course of two days, but is amazingly still giggling about it. 'We've been daring each other to eat just one pensioner for a few weeks now. Then Brian, one of the orderlies, just went ahead and scoffed Mrs Taylor from room 18. He's mad he is', laughed Mz Less. 'We were all egging him on because he got cold feet at the last minute, but once he took the first bite there was no stopping him.'
Over the next two days the 11 staff had consumed all 44 old folk in their care. 'Pensioners are just so more-ish, they're like Pringles, once you start you can't stop.' The relatives of the elderly have been informed and have been sent complimentary pens by way of compensation.
Mz Less was still eating and giggling when the Police arrived
BOO BOO LAMBASTES PARTNER FROM BEYOND GRAVE
Published exactly one year after his death, Stockton born comedy actor and cartoon bear Boo Boo's autobiography is set to be a whole hamper full o'gossip and scandal. Boo Boo left Teesside in the 1940s to pursue a life as waiter in the lucrative and sordid Hollywood suburbs - even taking with him his own bow tie - but failed to find work. He had to spend time as a rent-bear being paid in sandwiches.
Eventually he blackmailed his way into showbiz and was later picked to star in a run of successful cartoons because of his two dimensional and diminutive appearance. He was put alongside Yogi Bear and the two had a glittering career together. But, as the new book reveals, they hated one another with passion as Boo Boo thought Yogi was, quote 'A dimwit who was definitely NOT smarter than the average bear.' The late Boo Boo reveals Yogi only had one GCSE in woodwork, and even that was an honorary qualification from his old school. Boo Boo says in the book that Yogi could never remember his lines as he was too dense, and if you listen carefully to old re-runs you can see the Yogi voice is overdubbed by a proper actor.
The duo were fired from Hanah-Barbera studios in 1978 when Yogi hit the headlines for drunkenly savaging a call-girl to death. Although the case was never brought to trail, their career was finished. Boo Boo made a few cameo appearances on shows like Diff'rent Strokes and Happy Days in the 1980s, but he was always typecast as a little bear with a silly voice. His bear-cub good looks had long since left him and he became something of an embarrassment. He returned to Teesside in 1990 and opened a moderately successful sandwich shop on Stockton High Street, The Picker-Nick Basket, until his death from ink cancer last year. Yogi Bear died of alcohol related illnesses in 1992.
Yogi & Boo Boo, (the flower had bear crap in it)
The Tees Bally Fibber wants to hear from you!
Tell us a fact about yourself and for each one we print we ring up a call centre in India and unleash a torrent of racial abuse. Keep call centres British - we've got more than enough dullards and thickos to fill 'em!
'I have so few friends, if I ever went on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
and had to use the Phone A Friend Lifeline, I'd either ring
Chris Tarrant or The Speaking Clock.'
Mz Mel Encolly, Yarm
PRINT OUT AND KEEP
PLANET SPOTTER
With Our Science Correspondent Professor Husk
There are 17 planets in the cosmos, but we only bother with 9. All of the planets are exactly the same size apart from the bigger ones. There is only life on one planet, Earth, that's us!, although spaceman droppings have been found on both Saturn and Mars. Learning is fun, isn't it, so here's your very own detailed star map of the planets.
KEY: 1. The Sun / 2. Earth / 3. Neptune / 4. Saturn
5. The Death Star / 6. Mercury / 7. Terry / 8. The Moon
9. Yourarse / 10. Mars - The Planet Sweet
Not had enough fun learning?
Okay, here's some more amazing facts about our weird and wonderful milky cosmos.
FACT : The sun is not a planet, it is a Vauxhall Nova.
FACT : The planets form an exact circle around the sun and move only once every 20 days to avoid being hit by comets. Otherwise they are totally stationary.
FACT : If you were to land on any of the other planets you would be instantly crushed to death by the heavy winds there, or you might float off and get lost in space due to there being no air.
FACT : Russians once sent a robot to Saturn and it came back homosexual.
FACT : If you pulled your pants down in space and peed it would come out in blocks of ice.
FACT : The first man in space was a French monkey called Pierre Boulle who came back a gay giant and nearly destroyed New York. His body is buried at the foot of the Empire State Building where he perished.
FACT : In the 60s America sent astronaut Neil Tennant to the moon and he came back a homosexual, radioactive killer who had to be destroyed with an A-Bomb.
FACT : Don't ever eat your dinner on Neptune! The centre of gravity is so intense one chip will weigh more than a double decker bus inside a blue whale!, and rip your insides out as it passes through your intestines.
FACT : Shine a big torch from one planet to another and the light will take a million years to reach it. That's because the planets are nearly 100 miles apart and light weighs more than treacle in outer space.
FACT : The Hubble Telescope once broke down and they sent a man up to fix it within the hour. But ask one to come and fix your Sky-Plus box and you've got more chance of getting a feel up from a Vulcan.
IN THE NEXT ISSUE...
Fart In Your Mouth
T.B.F.'s Health correspondent Dr Karen Fart assess the state of our region's teeth.
This follows on from her previous investigation into the head-lice epidemic,
FART IN YOUR HAIR.
ROAD RAGE!
We talk to the road rage lout who was convicted of dragging the passenger out of the back of slow moving hearse.
Lifestyle With Morty Vicar
Our fashion guru looks at the male working class scumbag piece o'crap chav craze of walking about with one hand down their shell suit bottoms feeling themselves up.
Defiant act of non-capitulation towards basic standards of hygiene, intelligence and decorum?, or just being filthy, ignorant, prison fodder?
NON-COMPOS-MENTIS
An elderly relative with Alzheimer's? We ask, what's in it for me?
Sponsored by solicitors Swindle & Grabbit.
