BONES OF CHARLIE CHAPLIN FOUND IN KEBAB

Kebab shop owner Asif Bymagic claims it's not a publicity stunt -
he has definitely found the bones of silent film clown Charlie Chaplin in his exclusive kebab shop, situated amidst dozens of other exclusive kebab shops in Stockton's Little Gutrot area at the top end of the High Street. Asif said he found the full skeleton of Charlie Chaplin in one of the large boulders of kebab meat (a.k.a. giants' winkies)
that he was about to put on the rotisserie spit.

'At first I thought it was just animal bones which you often find in the slabs,
roadkills, unwanted pets and the like, but no, this was a full human skelly-wobble still connected together. Then I found a moustache, a bowler hat and a cane.
I then knew it was Charlie Chaplin.' Chaplin's body was stolen from its tomb in Switzerland in 1978. Despite the cadaver being returned 11 weeks later and reburied under concrete - and still being there - Asif knows for definite he has the bones of the legendary film star.

LYING LITTLE GET

Asif is now renaming his low quality drunk-food bar Chaplin's Bones Zone in honour of the historical find and is putting the skeleton on display in the window. But is it all a big hoax? Readers may remember a few months ago Asif claimed he'd found Hitler's missing testicle in a Kofta. And just before that he claimed he had an exact replica image of the Shroud Of Turin burned onto a parmo.

Also, adding fuel to the theory Asif is merely making up these stories as publicity stunts, his brother - who owns the kebab shop next door - is claiming he's found pop star Madonna's breasts in some scraggy old turkey burgers that even the town's drunks won't eat. He's renamed his outlet Madonna Kebabs.

Charlie Chaplin, yesteryear

WHAT THE FIBBER SAYS :

Why won't they tell us exactly what goes into kebab meat? A greasy world of congealed secrecy surrounds the vile concoction we should now call Shush Kebabs!

Are the myths true? Is it really all the bits of animals the slaughter house staff can scrape off the abattoir walls? Hooves, eyes, beaks, lungs and bum bums? All minced up with car tyres, suicide victims who cannot be buried in consecrated ground, and a secret blend of delicious spices?

The Fibber says it's high time we had more traditional English drunk-food to choose from. Let's get our streets littered with half eaten Yorkshire puddings, semi chewed roast beef, and spewed up gravy! We want to find fish and chip wrappers in our bushes every Sunday morning, not pizza boxes and parmo cartons like some dirty foreign country such as Greece or Wales. And who wants garlic and chilli sauce tubs emptied over our parked cars after drunks have torn down our streets at night, eh? No one! We want mint sauce and English mustard on our windscreens! This is England and we win our wars!¬Ý

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TRIBUTES PAID TO GENTLEMAN THUG

Tributes have been paid to a kind hearted Teesside thug who died yesterday after a long battle with another Teesside thug. Kevin Jongler (29), nicknamed Stamp Duty, was respected by fellow drinkers in Stockton's Tattooed Arms pub as a hard knock lunatic who'd stamp your face off - his uniquely honed speciality act of violence - if he felt inclined to, but was nice about it. 'He was a true gent,' said Madge Endomorph, landlady of the Arms. 'He'd stamp the face off anyone he didn't like, but he always bid them goodnight as the ambulance drove them away. 'Stamp Duty lost a brawl with an especially huge thug named Punch Drunk who had recently started drinking in the boozer.
Punch Drunk's speciality is repeated rabbit punches to the kidneys and Stamp Duty's
were that of a 87 year old after years of constant drinking.

GENEROUS DONATION

Another drinker told us, 'Stamp Duty drank 20 - 25 pints of lager a day, but he always had money left over for charity. He once handed over a full wallet of cash to a woman collecting for Great Ormond Street. I remember it vividly¬Ý because it was my wallet.
He'd just stamped my face off too, so I couldn't forget it could I?' laughed the low life stain. Stamp Duty's drinking buddies have laid some flowers where he died - inside the florist shop next door to the pub. Stamp was thrown into Floral Sex through the window during the fracas. The kind hearted thug will lay in state in the Tattooed Arms pub from Wednesday afternoon until he starts to smell. His estranged wife is expected to turn up to stamp his dead face off.

The Tattooed Arms monthly black and white cowboy night, yesterday

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TAXI DRIVER LAID TO REST
Hundreds of taxi drivers took to the road today in a huge convoy to lay to rest their fellow road mate Douglas Buggerlugs who died after a short run in with an even shorter pier last month. The long procession of slow moving taxis took Douglas's remains from his home to Middlesbrough's Crematorium this morning. And in the best taxi driving traditions they were 40 minutes late and Douglas's corpse was charged 15.00 quid for the 2 mile journey. His house was also burgled by friends of the other taxi drivers who'd been tipped off it was now empty. 'It's what Dougy would have wanted,' one told us.

SWEENY DODD CHALKS UP 99th CUSTOMER
A Marton hairdresser, one of only a handful still offering steel razor shaves, has notched his 99^th victim this week. Mondas Dodd, a chirpy Hungarian immigrant who moved to Teesside 45 years ago, has been slashing the throats of strangers to his establishment for the last 30 years. 'People who know me only come in for haircuts, but visitors to the area don't know my naughty habit and ask for a razor blade shave,' laughed the fat faced bonkers barber in broken English. Mondas then hides the bodies in his cellar. He says he's going to do one more to make it an even 100 then hang up his razor for good. 'It's been fun, but I think I've done my bit for notorious murder on Teesside.' He is going to start an allotment when he retires.

Mondas at work, yesterday

BUS DRIVERS ALLOWED
CONTROLLED CRASHES
Tees bus drivers have been given the green light to deliberately crash their buses into low bridges to deter destructive behaviour on top decks. Vandalism on the upper decks of double decker buses has risen by 67% over the last year.
One driver told us, 'Those mindless yobs might walk onto my bus, but they're coming off in body bags, let me tell you.'

That'll learn 'em.

TERROR AT WIFEPOINT
A man has robbed an off licence brandishing an offensive wife. The rough looking, tattooed wife snarled and bereted Ali Khan in his Boozey Nights cheap plonk shop in Middlesbrough last night. Ali handed over the evening's takings in fear of a terrible, shouty, nagging from the sinister spouse. The robber left with his dangerous wife and were last seen stood outside the off licence waiting for a taxi.

CCTV shot of the dangerous wife.

HEROES RESCUED BY COWARD
A Tees pleasure boat hosting an annual Bravery Awards ceremony struck a discarded Asda trolley and rapidly began sinking last night. Two men and a woman, who had just received awards for bravery, fell into the water and sank as they refused to let go of their heavy golden awards. Jeff Coward, an unemployed man, was out relaxing drinking sherry and reading erotic literature by the banks of the Tees in Thornaby, witnessed the event. He leapt into the water and rescued all three of the sinking heroes by dragging them to the shore - still with their awards clasped firmly in their arms. The host of the Bravery Awards said Jeff was a true hero. However, Jeff is in not eligible to receive a bravery award himself as it was he who chucked the Asda trolley in the river in the first place.

REDCAR GETS SHOCK WAKE UP CALL
The people of Redcar were stunned speechless yesterday when someone told them it's the 21^st century. The residents of the seaside town couldn't believe their ears that it wasn't still the 1970s and have already begun modernising their houses and businesses in an effort to bring them in line with today's standards of living.

THERAPIST RELEASED ON BAIL
AFTER TYPO MIX UP
A mobile beauty therapist has been given bail but still doesn't know if she will be taken off the sex offenders list. Jenny Tulls was arrested when she handed out her business card to an off duty police woman. The card had a typo in the shape of a space in the word therapist so it read THE RAPIST, HOME VISITS AVAILABLE.
Jenny described her arrest as bloody stupid.

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YOU STUPID BUGGERS

We go out and ask everyday Teesside folk a question about something so mind bogglingly complex it's unlikely they'd even begin to wrestle with the basics of it, thus making their attempts at answering all the more entertaining.

Q) What is the point in anything, and why even bother?

When you say anything, do you mean something or nothing? Eh? Gaah, brain freeze!
Dr Ralph Pan, fart specialist

I haven't got time! Me Grandson's coming for his tea.
He likes chips with cheese on. And fishcakes.
Mrs Demi God, old woman

I'm shopping for shoes I am, that's all I'm bothered about. Ho ho.
Juliet Bravo, agoraphobia sufferer

We went to Spain and they all talked English, what was the point of that?
Tom Peeping, sex pest

Is it something to do with cookery shows. I think cookery shows are pointless.
Nimrod The Deformed Clown, children's entertainer

Life is a series of electrical impulses contained within a sentient state of perpetual flux. One can either embroil one's self within the arena of existence or opt out.
Best advice is to just ruddy well get on with it and stop whining.¬Ý
Alison Thaw, professional horse

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