B.N.P. Elects First Black Candidate
Teesside Crossing Lady Suspended After Beheading ‘Cheeky Get’ Kids With Especially Sharpened Lollipop
Dogs That Don’t Kill Cats Are Homos Claims Stockton Vet
Tees Nuns Bustiest in Europe!
Kalashnikov Found In Baby Milk
Isn’t Such A Big Deal Say Manufacturer
Flasher Sues Woman Who Ridiculed ‘Tiny Knob’
They’re Charity Bags, NOT Free Bin Liners, Says Oxfam
New Bridge Over Tees To Be Made
Out Of Melted Down Brian Clough Statues
Polish Workers’ Fashion Shock
As They Uncover The 80s Is Over
Teesside’s First Arse Transplant Receiver
Warned About ‘Ghost Fart Syndrome’
Forget Mad Cow Disease or Bird and Swine Flu, Britain now has a shocking 78 reported cases of Itchy Ass Camel Rash. Last night 2 more people were admitted to Thomas Cook Hospital & Travel Agent with un-scratchable itchy bottoms. Sufferers develop an itchy rear that no manner of violent scratching can cure. The constant need to scratch leaves their posteriors red raw. Itchy Ass Camel Rash is thought to have begun in Egypt by tourists sharing dirty camels. Government officials fear there could be a pandemic of itchy bottoms by the end of this sentence.
A camel’s bottom, yesterday
DAWN RAIDS TO SUE
A woman with the unfortunate name of Dawn Raids is suing the Police after a her life has been turned into a living cak-mare of mockery. More and more early morning forced entries of suspected burglars’ houses are hitting the headlines and poor Mz Raids is getting the golden-soup ripped out of her as a consequence.
‘I’m sick of people at work say things like Oooh, Dawn, you got another bunch of burglars this morning, you stupid getting-up-early idiot, you. Why can’t the Police call these raids Early Doors Chav Napping, or something? People are cruel. I just hope there’s never another war because my daughter Ayr will suffer too.’
Dawn, peering through our window very early this morning to prove a point.
HEIFER EMOTIONALLY SCARRED BY REMARK
A young heifer has been awarded £66,000 in damages after a farmer commented she is developing into a ‘big fat cow.’ The heifer, Daisy Moo Jones of Bickertwit Farm, Yarm, was said to be emotionally scarred for life after the heartless, sexist remarks made by Farmer Douglas Buggerlugs two years ago, a tribunal heard. Daisy told us, ‘This is a victory for bovine rights. We cows have feelings too and deserve better treatme ---,’ her words were cut short as the abattoir assistant’s bolt tore through her head.
Daisy Moo, yesterday
HELPING HAND ANDY FACES JAIL
‘It’s political correctness gone made’ claim the good folk of Saltburn as one of their kindest residents, Handy Andy Rangoon, was arrested and carted away by the Police for nothing more than keeping community spirit alive.
Andy (42) has been selflessly helping out local pensioners for 10 years now – whether the codgers want his help or not - by cutting down trees in their gardens, shooting cats, and beating up kids who harass old folk – and never charges a penny! ‘Well, perhaps a cup of tea now and again,’ said the kind hearted soul and ex-con via his lawyer last night.
Yesterday, the final nail in the coffin of neighbourly feelings was hammered in by politically correct, immigrant loving Police as they raided Andy’s house and uncovered an Aladdin’s cave of old people’s belongings. ‘Old folk are proud.
They don’t want to offer handouts to those who help them. That’s why I secretly took something from each old person I helped,’ Andy explained.
Tellies, DVD players, pension books, and all manner of jewellery was found stashed in Mr Rangoon’s house. ‘It’s scandalous! Community spirit has dropped by 57% since Andy’s arrest,’ said one furious resident. His mum.
The crime rate has dropped by a similar percentage too.
The new Cleveland Police logo, probably!
(Actually we did this on Photoshop. We did a course at the Uni.)
HOAX CALLER SENTENCED TO DEATH – NOT!
He thought he’d only receive a severe ticking off, perhaps even a hefty fine, but for 27 year old Paul Cineworld of Hartburn, when the judge donned a black cap and sentenced him to death by hanging, he not only lost his breakfast – and a perfectly good pair of boxers – but his mind.
Paul was up at Teesside Crown Court for jokingly phoning an estate agents claiming he’d just killed and eaten their employee by mistake. The hoax call, which came after a viewing of a property in Ingleby Barwick, was made in defiance of the company being ‘a little light’ with true facts about the house. They said it was nice.
In retaliation Paul rang up and claimed Maureen Showcase of Knock, Dover & Killed Estate Agents had been murdered and devoured after being mistaken for a Cornish pasty – because of her strong Cornish accent.
However, when the case came to light Judge Elaine Blockbuster-Rental pretended to sentence Paul to death as a punishment. For a giggle.
‘His face was a picture!,’ laughed the court usher, ‘And you could hear him ruining his knickers. He went incredibly pale and just stood blubbering incoherent nonsense about mummy and God. I think his mind snapped. Ha!’
Even when Judge Blockbuster-Rental burst out laughing and said, ‘How it’s feel now the glove’s on the other foot, clever clogs!,’ Paul remained blubbing, shaking and staring into thin air. He’s still like that, 14 days later. Psychiatrists say he may never recover, which means the brilliant gag will go on indefinitely.
Paul, being humorously jibed, yesterday.
AMAZING WAR POETRY FIND!
Thornaby’s Central Library has recently been refurbished, because it stank of old people, and the new one opens soon. During the makeover the librarians uncovered some lost poetry by the famous WW1 poet Wilson Festoon. Wilson was Thornaby’s most famous wartime son and was a changed man when he returned home from the Great War, almost two days after it began. Here is the previously unpublished poem which has not seen light for nearly 100 years!
SHIT – THEY’RE THROWING BOMBS AT US!
Private Wilson Festoon, 1915, Flanders.
Shit, they’re throwing bombs at us!,
Oh shit, oh shit, there’s a load,
Shitting hell, I don’t like this,
I’m legging it down the road.
Tara my pals, I’m out of here,
I’m siding with the Hun,
Or hiding in Frenchman’s house,
I’m on the bloody run.
I find a frightened enemy lad,
He too is on the hoof,
So I shoot him and take his food,
That’ll learn the German poof.
What’s that?, the shelling’s stopped?,
I return, telling lies and toss,
I show the German’s lunchbox,
And they award me the George Cross.
Then they start throwing bombs again,
Shitting shitty shit shit shite!,
Shit this for a game of soldiers,
I disappear into the night.
It’s hard not to weep tears of bitter pride isn’t it. Let us remain silent for 1 minute and remember Wilson Festoon and what he nearly gave up for us.
‘Ever Surrender’, the memorial to Wilson in Thornaby’s Pleasure Gardens, yesterday.
Among the cases dealt with at Teesside Magistrates Court & Motorist Persecution Unit, are these bloody idiots….
Barbara Higgle (34) from Acklam, banned from speaking for 18 months after habitually ‘going on’, ‘gossiping’ and talking ‘general female drivel.’
John Oomph (45), Redcar, fined £60 for picking up dog waste,
despite not owning a dog.
Steven Heliport (13) sentenced to birching for giving ‘that surly look’ they do.
Asif Bymagic (30) for selling kebabs
without the relevant ‘Greasy Bastard Permit’ in place.
Mo Leicester (29), Peter Phile (45) and K.D. Diddler (31),
all of Saltburn, jailed ‘just in case.’
GADGET CORNER
With Dav Ross
David Ross is the Tees Bally Fibber’s new science and technology correspondent. Not because he’s particularly knowledgeable on the subject, mainly because he’s a cripple and we want to be seen as representing minorities. And he’s very aggressive.
‘Modern life is rubbish’, as Blur once said. Before they started making good records. And it’s true! We might think our white goods and gadgets are making life easier for us, but they’re actually having the reverse effect. So before we all get so fed up and stressed with unreliable technology that we go out slashing horses, here’s my advice for improving 21st century living.
Mobile phone memory low?
If your phone’s memory is jam packed with funny pictures, wanking frog ring-tones and brilliant racists jokes, don’t delete any, there’s no need! Place the entire handset into the mouth of a child under five years old and seal it shut with gaffer tape. Then ring your own number 3 times from a friend’s handset. The child’s brainwaves are absorbed into your phone’s own memory expanding it at least twice. The child may lose some of his or her memory. And hair. So tell them it’s a game or something.
Sometimes a lap top needs a little helping hand to find the router signal and no amount of shaking and swearing at it is going to help. Simply dowse the laptop in lighter fluid and set fire to it. When all of the fluid has burned off the internal clockwork mechanisms will have expanded with the heat and be working at 200% their normal capacity. You’ll soon be on those free porn sites!
It’s so annoying when a DVD suddenly stops mid-play and you haven’t accidentally sat on the pause button. It’s frozen! Now you’re going to have to take it out, put it back in, sit through all those bloody warnings again, and adverts for films with Jennifer bloody Anniston in that you’re never ever going to watch, and find the bit you were up to!
To stop it happening again, smear the DVD with thick piccalilli and toast it until fully dried. Then gently chip away the dried condiment and the disc will be 100% playable. Your own excrement is just as good, but not as hygienic. And let’s face it, if it’s the film Ghost Town there’s already enough shit on the disc.
Lost your car?
As all cars are now silver, it’s increasingly difficult to find your own parked vehicle in a sea of other silver sods and your remote control key isn’t strong enough to locate the blooming thing for you! Unless, you shove the key up your arse and depress it by clenching your cheeks. Then, point determinedly in every direction until you see your car lights flash. Your innards amplify the key fob’s carcinogenic signal exponentially making your body a powerful radio mast. You can now open your car from a thousand miles away!
You’ve got a trolley full of food, screaming kids, and you’re dying for a piss.
You could really do with the checkout girl to pack your stuff for you but they always come out with that dead-ended question don’t they?
‘Are you alright with your packing?’
Say ‘no’ and they pretend you’ve said no to any help. The bitches.
Simply take out your supermarket loyalty card, put it under your bottom lip and bend it. Then say, ‘Alright me flicking phlegm in your face?’ Then make guttural,
lung-oyster summoning noises. Hopefully the subtle irony won’t be lost on them and they will pack your bags for you. If it’s a bored young lad just smack the bastard in the face. What’s he going to do about it? You reading this Tesco, Ingleby Barwick?!
I tell it like it is! Straight talking
with no bovine excrement.
So they’re letting the homeless and gypsies and Polish immigrants have free holidays on the moon now. Flaming bloody hell! How long before it’s cripples holidaying on the sun! For free! What a sorry state of affairs!
British Bobbies are only allowed one arrest a year now, and that doesn’t count unless they’re wearing condoms! Flaming bloody hell, that’s really going to help the crime rate. Not! Can you believe it!
They’re giving bear meat to our kids in schools now! Bears have no nutritional values and they’re pumped full of hormones before they shoot them. Flaming bloody hell, our school children are going to grow tits! Damn this government!
Single mothers are getting their benefits paid in market stall jewellery now. No change there then.
More ‘straight to the pointless’ with Manfred next time.
In the next TEES BALLY FIBBER...
Autistic people – yes we understand,
but why do they have to be so bloody rude?
Win your ASBO fines paid for a year!
And are petrol station staff right to take their cigarette breaks on the forecourt?
