2ND BIZARRE INCIDENT
WITH JEREMY CLARKSON

A second Teessider has come forward to speak of a terrifying incident with Top Gear’s elongated bastard Jeremy Clarkson.

Utah Drivel (24), a car salesman from the Stockton Creased-Right-In Used Autos Centre was alone in the showroom yesterday teatime. He told us, ‘I could hear a snuffling sound and began looking for the source of it. It was then I saw Mr Clarkson lying on the floor with his mouth around the valve of the back tyre of a Ford Galaxy. He was sucking the air out of it, like a baby breastfeeding or something. It was quite an unnerving sight. He was just staring blankly at me as he did it. He’s incredibly tall.

The length of the people carrier – and yes, he does have wheels for feet.’
When Mr Drivel confronted Clarkson the crazed star allegedly stopped feeding and stood up, never once taking his eyes off him. He started making car engine noises as he unbuttoned his denim shirt. Where his ample man-boobs should have been were two car headlights. They came on and instantly blinded Mr Drivel, mollifying him, rooting him to the spot.

‘Then I heard Richard Hammond’s voice, although I never saw him. I just saw something small was excitedly running up and down the inside of Clarkson’s trouser leg.’

The still shaken Teessider went on to say that Hammond said, ‘You be in trouble now, boy, Jezza’s gonna show you the bad things.’

His mind was instantly filled with terrifying images of every car crash there has ever been, or will be. He felt the fear and pain of each one. It was too much, his mind snapped and he blacked out.

He told us, ‘I awoke several hours later with tyre marks all over my aching body. My nipples were bleeding too, as though they had been repeatedly gnawed on by a small mammal. A hamster perhaps.’

By this time Clarkson had gone, but every single car tyre in the showroom was flat. He’d gorged himself on the lot.

Pictured: Jeremy Clarkson, being odd again.

NURSERY STAFF HAND OVER THE WRONG KIDS

A Tees Nursery accidentally swapped 2 toddlers for baby goats in what turned out to be an hilarious mix up. Mrs April Showers of Yarm picked up her twin children, Power and Golden (3), from the Lilfarts Nursery on Friday and claims she was handed two bleating baby goats instead.

She told us, ‘I immediately noticed there was something different about the twins and when I confronted the nursery teacher she shrugged her shoulders and said they must have been in the dressing up box or something.’

Mrs Showers took the goats home despite not being entirely convinced. Come bedtime she asked her husband to go in and check on the children to see if he noticed anything odd about them. When he came down he said they looked like perfectly normal kids to him.

THREE PRONGED PENIS

However, on Saturday night Mrs Showers answered the door to the very red faced nursery teacher Miss Jilly O’Harry – who runs Lilfarts with two female teaching assistants. She had the bewildered children with her.

Miss O’Harry said, ‘There was a silly mix up. The goats had been purchased for a black mass orgy in which they would have been sacrificed to make the Devil manifest who would then mercilessly bang us with his demonic, three pronged penis. Luckily, Tracy spotted the mistake before we sacrificed the children. I think it’s we three who are the real giddy goats!’

Mrs Showers said, ‘It’s all been an hilarious mix up and we’ll have a ruddy good laugh about it when I drop the kids – sorry, children - off on Monday morning.’

Pictured: One of the children, yesterday.

‘FORCED DRINK DRIVER’ SCHEME HITS THE STREETS

In a move that’d make you think they’re finally doing a good job, Cleveland Police’s Motorist Persecution Unit have unveiled a new scheme aimed at tackling drink driving.

But don’t get excited. DI Why of the Unit said,’ A lot of people are tempted, once or twice a year, to drive home after a drink. So we’re randomly stopping drivers and forcing them to down a couple of drinks. We then send them off home to show just how dangerous it is to be drunk in charge of a car. Hopefully, by the time they make it home, indeed if they make it home, they’ll realise what a bad idea drinking and driving is.’

We put it to DI Why that seven people, already targeted and forced to become drunk, have been involved in major car crashes. He replied, ‘Now they know, first hand, the dangers of drink driving. Problem solved.’ He did say more, but we couldn’t stand listening to the stupid git.

A forced drunk driver, about to drive home, yesterday.

MURDERER ADMITS MURDER BUT DENIES ‘PROPER MURDER’

A female murderer was found not guilty, but incredibly guilty at Teesside Magistrates And Bingo Hall yesterday, yet remains adamant she should be let off. Alice Aforethought (23), admits killing Vicky Timm (26) but says she only meant to kill her ‘a bit’ and not ‘kill her proper good and that.’

‘I only meant to stab her up a little bit, so she’d be, like, dead for a bit and that. Not forever,’ said the thick cow last night. Aforethought attacked and murdered Mz Timm for ‘giving her evils’ which is scum talk for a nasty look.
Judge Marigold Harrumph shocked the legal world by sentencing Aforethought to death by hanging. She added, ‘Not proper death or nothing, just a bit of death, to learn her a lesson and shit.’

UH-OH, WRONG KIND OF GORILLA

Keen animal lover Whoop Sirdaisy (54) was delighted when his bank gave him £2,000 to start a Teesside Animal Rescue Foundation and immediately spent the lot on a rare Purple Piss-flapped Gorilla from a nature reserve in Kenya. However, his spelling – on the order form - was deplorable and instead of being sent the rare gorilla he was sent a guerrilla – which is of course foreign for ‘terrorist.’ The mad man, sporting a bomb scarf, immediately detonated his cruel cargo when Whoop unpacked him from his crate in his Acklam home, blowing the pair of them to kingdom come.

A real Purple Piss-flapped Gorilla, yesterday.

INQUEST INTO TRAIN-SPOTTER’S DEATH? – NAH!

Frugal Chance (37), an accomplished train-spotter and stealer of womens’ underwear from washing lines, died yesterday after leaping in front of a Thomas The Tank Engine model train set. It’s thought he was ‘brought into the real world’ by a distressing moment of clarity. Realising he’d wasted his entire life hanging about cold railway stations with other weird men, Frugal became so small he decided to do the decent thing and end his miserable life.

UGLY MAN ORDERED TO STAY AWAY FROM FIT WOMEN

In a landmark High Court Ruling, an ugly, pitifully dull, man has been banned from approaching foxy females for a period of 6 months today.

Gavin Badger (44) has been bothering women in the pubs of Yarm for 2 years, ever since his divorce. Mr Badger relentlessly harasses women for attention by making small talk and woeful jokes. As of midnight tonight he is barred from attractive women aged 18 - 45 (older if they’ve got nice bodies.)

One do-able female drinker, Gabriella Scorcher (40) from Yarm, said, ‘It’s such relief he’s been barred, I hope more ugly, boring, middle aged men take heed. They can send off for one of those Thai brides and make do. Yes, they lack the refinement of British middle aged women, but what can you do.’ With that Gabriella threw up WKD all over the pavement then let a bouncer feel her up so she didn’t have to queue to get into some dreary Yarm pub.

Mr Badger, trying to be interesting, yesterday.

An Urgent Appeal About Old Ladies

Teesside is rife with old women, or as they should be correctly termed Witches! They spread ill will, bad omens and annoy people in Post Office queues by dithering. They’re also responsible for job losses, marital break-ups and car trouble. We at the Tees Bally Fibber want to put a stop to their Grey Disorder, but we need your support.

Our resident professor of words, Smithcart Smithinson Smith, has lobbied the 3 local Councils to make him Teesside’s official Witch Finder Indomitable. And he should know all about justice, his very own father was hanged for raping a cheese in 1937! Smith himself was once partially lynched by elves for making love to a fairy ring. He understands the law!

If we can make the 3 Councils realise that this is what their people want, Smith can then begin a witch cull that’ll see the return of public burnings on a colossal scale. Only then will prosperity return to our beloved, yet accursed, area.

Print out the following letter, sign it and send it to your relevant council. Together, we can burn old women!

Smithcart Smithinson Smith is the Fibber’s resident professor of words and he is determined to re-write the English language in his own image. We agree to publish him because his wife’s a bike.

SMITHCART SAYS :
Acknowledgments and derisory glances to you, you pissfrogs. It is I, The Word Smith. Here are my latest additions to the English language. Use them at all times, especially the times you are speaking with words in the verbal battlefield of conversational no-man’s-land.

Shadrack (n) : The magical, handheld device which makes SpongeBob appear on your Ghostly-Portal-To-Baird’s-Realm (formerly the TV.)

Door’s Arseholes (adj) : The slot in your front door through which the Post Cretins put notes saying you were out when they called, when they know for a fact you were in. And they haven’t even brought the bloody parcel anyway.

Twatats (adv) : Oversized balaclava hats worn by young men indoors because they think they look stylish, but in reality make them look like they have learning difficulties.

Pisscanning : (v) Reading when drunk. A pointless and fruitless exercise as one never remembers any of the story. Ideal for Dan Brown books though.

Who-ers (adj) : Feeble minded people who cannot pick which Doctor Who is their favourite and say they like all of them – which would therefore include Sylvester McCoy and no one liked him because he was shit! And Scottish! Jon Pertwee was the best.

Grieflets (adv) : Advertising bumf and paraphernalia pushed through our Door’s Arseholes by men and women who should have tried harder at school.

That is all from me, The Word Smith, for now as it is my wedding anniversary today and I promised to loosen her straps for an hour. You all fill me with dread and bile. Please follow me on Twitter.

Recession is biting hard, so the stars are moonlighting. Want in? I earn £12.50 a day kicking pigeons to death! You need a swift foot and a hatred of all things avian. Got what it takes? Call me, Esther Rantzen on 6573 83832

Hi, I’m Joanna Lumley of The New Avengers and Sapphire & Steel fame. I lure old Ghurkhas to their deaths & steal their pensions. Think you could do it? Contact me at 5353 272732. I apologise for Absolutely Fabulous.

If you’re tough enough to punch a horse then I might let you join my gang. Contact me Ross Kemp on 0132 645784

Hello, it’s me Terry Wogan. Want to make £££s blinding rats so farmers can catch them easier? I do it! If you want in contact me on 8375 929394

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Hi, I'm Gloria Hunniford and I earn £35 a day suffocating gypsies for the Council. I will train you so you can make almost as much. Contact me, begorrah 3975 932834

Dare you pull the head off a budgie? I probably would. If you think you could I might let you join my bunch of wicked reprobates. Contact, me Ross Kemp here 0132 645784

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Julia Sawalha here & I make extra cash robbing garden sheds. I can train you up too. Giz a bell on 0987 098363, and I am also sorry for Absolutely Fabulous.

Are you brave enough to throw an egg at a bus? If so you might I might let you in my fearsome mob. Call me Ross Kemp on 0132 645784

Men, do you have problems keeping your bollocks from ponging? I’ve solved it with the Zoe Ball Bollock Deodoriser System. Open for franchises. Contact me 3875 754583

Like pulling people’s hair? Why not get paid for it? I’m Richard Hammond from Top Gear & some even worse programmes. I can pay you £££s!, let’s talk 7095 37986

I'm Ross Kemp. Would you dare fight a big dog? If you're hard like me perhaps I’ll let you join my gang. Ring me on 0132 645784

Bite Sized Chunks Of Tasty Soccer News

MUNCH! Boro to install new ‘tilting pitch’ so they will always have the uphill advantage. There’s also plans to have huge wind machines installed to ensure they always have the wind behind them too.

CRUNCH! Darlington F.C. stadium isn’t haunted after all, it was a fan making the noises. Most players agree to return to work.

CHOMP! F.A. rules that players are only allowed to make 3 texts whilst playing a match. Anymore and they’re off! And definitely no Twitter or Facebook!

YUMMY! The mystery Middlesbrough transvestite player wishes to remain anonymous and urges fans not to look at him in lingerie and dresses as he plays his matches.

BELCH! Boro’s youngest player Rex is delighted to be in the team. He’s adamant he was chosen for his skill and not the fact he’s Gordon Strachan’s Labrador.

DESSERT? Monday evening’s proposed charity match is definitely going ahead. Middlesbrough versus Al-Qaeda will kick off at 7.30. Anyone attending is advised to wear bomb-proof blouses. All ticket sales donated to the Bring Back The Wombles Campaign led by celebrity twat Justin Lee Collins.