Paul, cheating at cards, yesterday
The Transporter Bridge - big, innit!
CELEB TO ADOPT TEESSIDE
'THIRD WORLD' CHILD
A Portrack woman is claiming she is to give up her thirteen year old daughter to a celebrity in another controversial adoption publicity stunt fiasco. Hot on the heels of Madonna and Angelina Jolie adopting kids from Africa and Vietnam, another headline hungry 'novary' is after a kid from a 'loser town', this time Teesside. The bizarre twist in this adoption stunt is that the celebrity concerned is none other than the late Diana, Princess Of Wales.
Di, thinking of Teesside from beyond the grave, yesterday
The child's mum, Kylie O'Reilly, 24, said, 'I was contacted by the late Diana's people via the Wednesday Ouija Board session at Stockton Library. The ghosts told me Diana could offer a better home for Kylieina in the spirit world rather than Teesside which is a dump full of violent bald headed men with vicious dogs, hoodie teens with ASBOs, loudmouthed alcoholic sun-bed burned women draped in cheap market stall jewellery, and pollution. I was unsure at first as I thought they were categorising Teesside as a stereotypical run down suburban slum which isn't true. This area has a high proportion of achievers in the both industry and the arts plus many areas of outstanding natural beauty. But, when Diana herself added it would free up more time for my drinking I thought - whoopee! I'm out tonight!'
PENSIONER DUMP SHOCK IN BILLINGHAM
Thousands of unwanted pensioners are to be dumped in Billingham town centre making the town an octogenarian eyesore, according to Councillor Maureen Gimp. The old people, evicted from nursing homes all across Europe, will be left wandering the streets, mumbling in some daft foreign language getting in people's ways. 'It's ludicrous,' ranted Councillor Gimp,'We have enough dithering and boring old people of our own, now we have to put up with a load of European coffin dodgers. They'll smell even worse than ours!'
A typical foreign pensioner, yesterday
Stockton Council, who received an undisclosed 3 figure bung in return for taking the foreign wrinklies, claim the dumping will not affect life in the town centre if people simply avoid the place. We asked them to elaborate but a spokeswoman for the council told us,' I have no further comment. We have bought an X-Box with the money the EEC gave us and it's my turn for a go.'
MY BOSS'S DOG SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME
A woman, who does not wished to be named as Gloria Fogg, is to sue her former boss after she revealed his dog molested her. She claims Mr Harcourt of Harcourt Sticky Labels, brought his dog into work while his wife was away and there was nobody at home to look after it. The dog, a pedigree mongrel called Handsome Andrew, allegedly waited until the boss was on a call before repeatedly harassing Mz Fog for a fuss. She told us, 'I was petrified and physically nauseous, but I knew if I didn't stroke the dog he would tell Mr Harcourt and I'd be out of a job. This was an open invitation to Handsome Andrew and it wasn't long before he pushed his nose up my skirt.' Mz Fog was too upset to carry on with her story, so we bullied her into it. Apparently the dog sniffed her thigh then put its paw on her boob. She felt dirty and cheap and complained to the boss who fired her. Mr Harcourt issued the following statement, 'The silly cow was caught nicking from petty cash. I wasn't going to press charges but I am now. And Handsome Andrew is suing her for deformation of character. That'll lean her.'
Handsome Andrew: dressed for court, yesterday
SPONSOR A HATE CRIME
The Teesside branch of B.A.D., Bigots Against Difference, today began a week long fund raising campaign and are asking the public to sponsor their violent attacks on minorities. All proceeds will go to Bun Fun, the charity that sends sick or injured rabbits away on adventure holidays.
A spokes-person for the Gay, Lesbian & Men Who Spike Their Hair Up At The Front Alliance said, 'Hate crime is normally wrong. But this is positive hate crime, so it's good. Yeah? Is that right? I dunno. Eeeeh, what am I like. Shut that door.'
JUDGE ORDERS FRAUDSTER TO SHOOT HERSELF
A Judge at Teesside Crown Court has found Mrs Beverly Hacker of Eston guilty of defrauding pensioners in a bogus heating allowance scam. Mrs Hacker was fined 2 grand and ordered to shoot herself in order to apologise to 91 year old Mr Ken Crumbs, in the spirit world, who died before the case was brought to trial.
SHOPPERS WORRY OVER LOSS OF POST OFFICE
Shoppers are today 'worried sick' over the loss of Middlesbrough town centre Post Office after it went missing two days ago. Post Office staff turned up for work on Wednesday morning and found nothing but a large hole in the ground. Everything was gone, fixtures, fittings, bricks, windows, all vanished. Staff think the Post Office has absconded with a Council Tax Office from Thornaby which ran away at the same time. The pair are thought to have met over the Internet.
Today's postmen are nothing more than harbingers of terrible news! If it isn't the threat of court action for not paying child maintenance, it's a blooming summons for flashing coming through the letterbox. I say we take a leaf out of the Roman Empire's book and kill any postman who brings grief to our doormats. They always stabbed the messenger who was the bearer of bad news. That way Posties will only turn up with good news, like birthday cakes from mummy, or mail order pornography.
Len Derand, North Ormesby
Have you noticed how you never see stray dogs anymore? And if you think about it, this goes back to the very day Princess Diana died. Coincidence or conspiracy?
Wilma Teethgrobach, Marton Grove
The Arriva Bus Company need to glam up their image and employ some A list celebrities to advertise their services. But, only ones who are similar to their drivers. Richard Hammond for example, he drives dangerously and far too fast. Or maybe Darth Vader, for he too is a sociopath who hates the general public.
Anne T. Lope, Stockton
Boyd Stiff of Saltburn, sentenced to life in solitary confinement for constantly ranting on about his computer's abilities and role playing sword and sorcery games.
Daniel Druff of Dormanstown, given a 3 month custodial sentence for walking at the same pace as attractive women and pretending they were his wife.
Aunty Establishment of Ingleby Barwick, two years in prison for photocopying dogs and telling their owners the animal had been flattened by traffic.
Ruby Tuesday of Guisborough, six month driving ban for using a moving vehicle as an aquarium.
Murder Mystery Weekends at SNUFFWICK HALL
We make our Agatha Christie style murder mystery weekends authentic down to the last detail, including your very own murder! Will it be a poisonous snake in your bed?
Powdered glass in your drink?
A bonk on the head with a stone ornament in our lavish arboretum?
You won't know until we get you!
Go out in style this weekend!
Authentic 1920s dress provided! Four course evening meal!
Four poster bed! A grim and ghastly death!
LEGAL - We have special permission from The Crown* to take lives provided it is done within the realms of murder mystery fantasy. Your body must be retrieved from our premises by friends and family no later than 6 o'clock on Sunday evening. * Also The George & Dragon and The Hangman's Arms.
Tell Us What To Think!
Today's subject :
North Korea is offering Teessiders 'One Hundred Pounds' each in return
for testing one of their atom bombs here.
Good or bad idea?
DID YOU KNOW the human brain is incapable of telling a lie, if the human body it's inside is naked!
DID YOU KNOW if you slay a cow, hollow it out and live inside it, the farmer can neither prosecute or evict you!
DID YOU KNOW is Saudi Arabia, if you are caught gawping at an accident, they hang you with elastic rope. You do not die, but you learn your lesson. The system is called 'rubber necking.'
DID YOU KNOW My ex-wife is a benefit cheat. She lives with a man with 2 jobs!
More eye popping facts with Woodrow next time... we remember he works for us.
'I once had a job as a Drunk Driving Instructor. I used to train people to drive cars on the wrong sides of roads, mount kerbs and ignore red lights.'
Joy Sunshine, Long Newton
