TOSSCANS QUEUING UP
FOR 'COMPO' CLAIMS
Are you a T.O.S.S.C.A.N.? If so you'll probably want to sue us for compo just for calling you one. T.O.S.S.C.A.N. is the new p.c. name the Fibber has coined for people who complain about anything and everything with a view to claiming compensation. It stands for...
Totally Obstructive Socially Subnormal Compensation Acquiring Nag.
A chav woman after compo, yesterday
Already Tosscans are taking exception to being labelled Tosscans and the right-on idiots at Stockton Council have urged us to apologise and pay compensation to anyone who might be feeling 'repressed' or 'socially belittled' by being - effectively - called a whining, grabbing little bastard. It's political correctness gone mad! So, if you object to having your height, weight, hair and skin colour, facial features, religion, race, intelligence quota, dress sense, choice of music or football team being - even slightly noticed - then you are an utter Tosscan and we hate you.
The Tees Bally Fibber stands up for the right of everyone to
point out other people's foibles and here's why...
Jan 2005 : Burglar Johnny Lightfingers strained his back lifting a 56 inch plasma TV from the Smith family home. The family were forced to pay for his back therapy in the form of massages and 'extras' at Fat Brenda The Slag's Massage Parlour every week for a year, and told to buy a smaller and lighter telly in case Mr Lightfingers chooses to rob them again.
July 2006 : Stockton Library pay psychopathic arsonist Fanny Fuego loads of money after revoking her library cards after a failed arson attempt on the library. Mz Fuego won the compo claiming the library were targeting her because she's 'not a big reader' and was made to feel thick and stupid. Mz Fuego set fire to her compensation money after shoving it though an old man's letter box killing him and his 53 dogs.
April 2007 : Cleveland Police and the BBC pay Mr Cedric Muff, a convicted sex criminal and killer, £1,000,000 for pointing out he had ginger hair on Crimewatch when he was hunted for murdering 6 women. Mr Muff was called Ginger Nut, Copper Knob and Gingus Khan in prison by his fellow killers which lowered his self esteem. He is now the richest murderer in Broadmoor and lives in a gold plated cell with a diamond bed.
BLOODY STOP PRESS! : BLOODY STOP PRESS!
ANIMAL CRUELTY THUGS HUNTED
Cruel yobs were being hunted by the Police and the RSPCA after an old woman's cat was launched into space. The cat was snatched from Mr Edna Cobblers garden yesterday afternoon and strapped into a miniature home made jet propulsion rocket, complete with booster stage motors and on board guidance computers.
One small step for animal cruelty
The cat was last heard by NASA in the vicinity of the Crab Nebula constellation. The thugs, a known gang of 11 - 17 year old hoodies, built the rocket and launched it themselves. The same gang are thought to be behind several acts of animal cruelty. Last week they snatched a toddler's pet rabbit and got it a job presenting on a cable shopping channel game show. The frightened animal was left without an autocue for two hours before the producers realised it wasn't a proper presenter. The yobs are also thought to have turned a Labrador's back legs into a lawn mower - using black magic - so the dog isn't allowed indoors any more for fear of ruining the carpet.
MAN HOUNDED OUT
FOR BEING DIABETIC
It sounds like a headline from a spoof newspaper, but to Jim Staines of Thornaby it's nothing short of a sugar coated nightmare. Ever since he moved into his rented house in Bongo Street he's been bullied, called names and even had sweets put through his letterbox at night, simply for being diabetic. Mr Staines said, 'If I so much as touched those sweets I'd explode, that's what happens to diabetics.' Mr Staines went on to say people resent him because he's unable to work due to his condition and has to inject himself with diabetic stuff 9 million times a day
However, his neighbours can't believe how stupid he. One woman, a nurse, told us, 'He's not diabetic, he just a pervert. He's constantly caught stealing women's underwear from washing lines and tells the Police he needs the garments to get his sugar levels down.' The TBF put this accusation to Mr Staines. His response was, 'Oh did I say diabetes. I meant asthma. And if I'm ever caught stealing bras it's because I use them as breathing masks.'
A REAL diabetic, yesterday
TEESSIDE, THE CULTURAL SIDE
with... Common Eileen
Eileen Gonk is our cultural reporter bringing a new perspective to the arts -
that of a dopey, scumbag chav.
This week we sent her to watch Ernest Lovey's production of Hamlet
at the Darlington Civic Theatre. Here's her report.
'It was crap. I thought it was going to be like Big Brother 'coz there was, like, all these different characters and I thought they'd start arguing and doing tasks and that, but it just went on and on. No one got evicted, I was like - what? I was there with me mobile out waiting for the eviction numbers but none came up. At half time I woke up and went for a few bevies. When I found out how much a pint was I nearly smacked the cheeky little cow behind the bar.
Luckily I'd brung two bottles of White Lightning and necked the lot before I went back in. They were still talking in that daft old way, I couldn't understand a bleeding word. I couldn't handle it no more and went off for a kebab. Next time I'll ax our lad to burn a copy of the DVD and watch that, if I can be bothered. And why was it called Hamlet?, I didn't see one single actor smoking a cigar. I think the writer William Shakespeare should stop writing this kind of poncy rubbish and get a job writing on Eastenders or Coronation street. Summat class like that.'
Next issue Common Eileen goes to an art gallery and asks where that picture
of the tennis girl scratching her bum is.
DR HAZZA D'GUESS
Your medical questions answered
Dear Dr D'Guess,
Why do we have poo in our bums?
DR D'GUESS SAYS
A good question. When we sleep, poo mites climb out of our mattresses and up our bottoms where they shed their skin. This discarded skin collects and quickly rots to become, what we know as, poo poo. That's why it is necessary to jettison the matter every morning. Scientists are working on a new kind of mattress that kills poo mites so toilets will soon become a thing of the past. We'll still need wee wees so perhaps they won't.
Dear Dr D'Guess,
My doctor tells me I have a terminal condition. What does this mean and can I get a sick note for it?
DR D'GUESS SAYS
A terminal condition is medical jargon for someone who spends too much time on the internet - meaning they're looking at the computer terminal for long periods. This may cause your eyes to heal up, but it's a temporary condition. Rubbing a mixture of duck feathers and aeroplane vapour trails into your eyes 90 times a day can solve this problem. I've sent you a sick note.
Dear Dr D'Guess,
Is it true the human body is 100% water?
DR D'GUESS SAYS
It is, yes. Our amazing bodies are 100% water and 18% bones and kidneys. Did you also know that if you laid all your internal organs out on the grass they'd stretch from here to there. Then you'd die! Amazing! Here is a picture of a human skellingtone.
A human skellingtone
There's more from Dr Hazza D'Guess next time, providing the outcome of his current malpractice hearing is favourable. She was old anyway!
THE WORD SMITH
Smithcart Smithinson Smith is the Fibbers resident English language expert insomuch as he owns the office dictionary and thesaurus and won't let anyone else touch them.
SMITHCART SAYS :
Salutations, you inept bags of buggery. The Word 'Smith', for I am he, brings you my latest additions to the English language. Use them in polite conversation so they become ingrained into the collective psyche - say for example when you are next ordering fish and chips over the Internet! Ho ho.
Coof (n) : The sound a pigeon makes when you kick it.
Coofing (v) : The act or intent to kick a pigeon.
Coofer : (adj) A person who kicks pigeons
Vulspar : (adv)An internment camp for hunchbacks.
Crindlehooks (adv): Them bits of skin you get on your fingernails that really knack.
Abontational (?): Haven't worked out what this is yet
but it sounds like a word doesn't it.
Headless Geralds (n): Abattoir floor cast offs and bowel scrapings rolled into a cylindrical shape and encrusted in hydrogenated flaky pastry. Yes, I know that's a sausage roll, but I'm in charge, not you. The next time you feed your illegitimate offspring them for their breakfasts and luncheons, call them Headless Geralds. Got that?
GO ON, HAVE A WIDDLE!
EVERYONE'S DOING IT!
Issued by the Toilet Federation Of Great Britain
You can't take it with you!
Al Beback, 19, of Sedgefield, 20 years in prison for proving the non-existence of God using Microsoft Powerpoint in front of a shocked Church congregation.
Mahatma Coat, 37, of Acklam, £500 fine for keeping a lion in his taxi to deter 'runners.'
Shirley Knott, 54, of Billingham, 6 month ban for being drunk in the back of a stretch limo when she 'should know better at that age.'
Captain Indigobeard Finrot The Terrible, 32, of Redcar, jailed for 18 months for perpetuating an historically inaccurate, stereotypical representation of pirates. And piracy.
The Tees Bally Fibber want to hear from you!
Tell us a fact about yourself and for each one we print
we spray paint 'Free Tibet' on a horse.
'I enjoy sending hate mail, particularly live wolves to people
so they get bitten when they open their letters.
Mz Jen Garr, Middlesbrough
Was Hitler REALLY from Thornaby? We uncover the truth once and for all.
Animal rights, animal wrongs? We uncover Middlesbrough Council's new plan to fit small legged dogs with brushes to their tummies to assist with street cleaning cutbacks.
Ooh ducky! Is the new fashion of men holding hands a modern representation
of platonic friendship, or just dirty and poofy?
PLUS! The Word 'Smith' might deem to tell us how to say words like 'frigate' and 'Wankel Rotary Engine' in polite conversation without embarrassing ourselves by sniggering.
