TESCO AND ASDA - DEAD
Asda Thornaby and Tesco Ingleby Barwick have had a fight to the death. The incident occurred at around 2 o'clock this morning on neutral ground between the two towns where the supermarkets beat the hell out of one another. Asda and Tesco - who uprooted themselves from their foundations and met at the agreed battle ground - have been enemies for several years and are both now in state of utter devastation. Groceries, clothing, tills, broken windows and brickwork litter the site. 'It's hard to tell where one wrecked shop starts and the other finishes,' said one onlooker.
It's thought the feud started with a price war and escalated from there. Last month Asda was accused of making bogus bomb threats to Tesco in retaliation for daubing
'Asda is a homo' on it's warehouse doors. Several smaller shops are thought to have been on the sidelines egging the two consumer giants on. A Bells, a Forbouys and two branches of One Stop were seen to be shouting 'fight fight fight.'
They of course will financially benefit from the destruction of the two supermarkets, but are being questioned by a Police Station.
Asda, before and after the fight
TEES MUSLIMS IN FEAR OF CHURCH OF ENGLAND REPRISALS
It is feared that innocent Muslims are being targeted by extremist Church of England vicars. One young Muslim told us he dare not pass a church on his own for fear of being roped into helping out with a bring and buy sale. Attacks have grown since one Muslim was shown on the internet, surrounded by masked Vicars, being forced to draw tickets out of a tombola. And just last week the Fibber told of the story of a Muslim man who was pelted with fete jam and home made cakes by a suicide verger.
A C-of-E vicar ranting mild irritation, yesterday
FIND THIS NAKED YOUNG IDIOT
Police are hunting for an 8-11 year old boy who is terrorising Thornaby women by leaping out on them and making childish references about their breasts, before disappearing into the night. He's been nicknamed Jack The Nipper as he wears nothing but a top hat, a black cloak and Reboks. The boy last night targeted two 21 year old girls as they returned home after getting tramp stamps from a local tattooist. One of the girls told us, 'He pointed to our chests and said 'Blimey you don't get many of those to the pound. Then he scarpered.' Jack The Nipper has struck at least 20 times using such childish innuendo as, 'Had a crash love?, 'coz your air-bags have gone off!',
and 'Alright big knockers!'
An owl atop a stick, yesterday
(we couldn't find a picture of a canary)
Lucifer Sam hit the Tees Bally Fibber headlines last month with the story 'Canary Of Death Strikes Again', and since then he hasn't stopped working! Lucifer Sam is the resident pet canary of Ingleby Barwick's Necropolis Nursing Home who's become a barometer of impending doom! Every tea time Lucifer Sam is allowed to fly about the dinner hall so the old people had something to point to as they eat. The bird lands on the heads of the old folk, much to the amusement of the staff. But, it was soon discovered that every wrinkly Lucifer Sam landed on died that very night. 'It was amazing once we worked it all out,' said Nursing Home Manageress Ruth Less, 'We started taking bets on who'd be next! I made 70 quid in one week!.' She went on to say the pensioners don't really enjoy Lucifer Sam's free time now and sit in silent dread waiting for the bird to land. Now, Mz Less is renting out Lucifer Sam's services at £100 a day. So if you have a reaper sneaker who's way past their smell by date, give the Ingleby Barwick Necropolis Nursing Home a bird-call.
A WHEELIE DANGEROUS CRAZE
When 13 year old Sue Zuki was asked to join a girl gang called The Acklam Wheelies, she was overjoyed. What she didn't foresee was a terrifying one way trip to garbage agony. She was told an initiation test would need to be completed involving hiding inside a wheelie bin and waiting for the bin men to collect her. Sue was ordered to stay deathly quiet, even when she was tipped into the bin lorry and had her legs crushed. Sue told us, 'I though legs crushed was probably gang slang for something or other, I didn't think it was meant to be taken literally.' When Sue was deposited into the lorry she immediately screamed in mortal agony as her legs were mangled by the machine's internal crusher. 'I should have put two and two together really,'
she went on, 'All the other gang members are wheelchair bound. That's why they're called The Acklam Wheelies. I think I'm a bit thick, to be honest.' Sue was denied entry to the gang - even after completing the test - due to admitting she likes Amy Winehouse.
MAN PUTS HIS VIRGINITY
ON EBAY
A 34 year old, 19 stone man, has put his cherry on Ebay and is expecting it will reach mega high prices and be bought by a Carol Vordermon look-a-like. Alan Scrote told us, 'I've put a starting bid of 1p, but I expect, when word gets around, the bids will fly in and by the end of it I'll get off woth some gorgeous bird who'll be paying me for the pleasure! It might even be two from the top, one from the bottom Carol herself! Imagine that!'
Ebay have allowed the auction to go ahead but have warned Mr Scrote that, because of the way he worded the description of his virginity sale, it may not necessarily be a woman who wins. Indeed, there has been only 1 bid to date, by a transvestite called Dave. Mr Scrote is terrified of the outcome as he will be duty bound to go ahead with the 1p ordeal if Dave wins. If he doesn't he risks negative feedback and expulsion from Ebay. But it's not all bad news for Mr Scrote, Dave has agreed to wear a Carol Vodermon style wig for the liason.
Mr Scrote, mulling over his Countdown to disaster, yesterday.
Adopt A 17th Century Plague Child
Many are the charities who help starving African children - or kids from similar loser countries - but what about the needy kids here on our very own English doorstep? The plague children of the 17th century. Who cares about their welfare? We do!, and demand you do too!
One in 4 children from the 17th century who contract the plague die - closely followed by the other 3. With your help, love and, above all sponsorship, we can give a wheezing, sickly, weeping boil covered child, born before 1640, a longer and happier life. Many of the plague kiddies we have already helped have lived on until their ripe old teenage years.
These pus seeping and canker covered children don't want hand outs, they simply want money for nothing
Young Griselda and her brother Igor have to share their ramshackle home - a hut made from their dead parents' carcasses and some dried sick - with fifteen black rats. Just 20p will by them a door so
they can open it and ask the rats to leave.
50p will buy them some clean filthy rags so they may go out into the street begging with pride.
£1 will pay for the Masked Medicine Man to visit the children and beat the plague demons out
of them with a fistful of lavender.
If you adopt a septic, boil laden plague child today you will receive weekly reports on whether they are still alive or not, plus messages of thanks from the child scrawled onto their own scabs and sent through the post. Give generously.
Love Can Be A Plague
Too You Know!
HAVE YOU BEEN KICKED IN THE KNACKERS RECENTLY?
Sprout Pouch Compensation can secure you financial remuneration for that cold, searing, sickening pain in the basement after a swift kick in the Niagara Falls. No one likes having their 'best friends' hoofed and, whilst money won't take away the feeling that death has moved into your undies, we believe you should be compensated for the embarrassment of being seen to collapse, stop breathing,
and curl up like a gay hedgehog.
Call Sprout Pouch Compensation
- we listen when you talk balls
The Tees Bally Fibber want to hear from you!
Tell us a fact about yourself and for each one we print
we spray paint 'Free Tibet' on a horse.
I've had a severed pig's head on my foot for
over five years. I can't get it off! Ho ho!
Mr Fraggle Rock, Thornaby
The STAIR CRAZY CELEBRATION
Preston Park Museum, 9.30 am - 11 pm.
A whole afternoon dedicated to stairs.
Learn about the first ever staircase walk by Neil Armstrong a century ago.
Ride the working model of a moving staircase called an 'escalator!'
Keep fit in the Stair-obics tent!
There's also advice on how to look cool after tripping up some stairs!
Lots of fun for any family who are impressed by stairs!
Entrance is : 2 quid for adults, 1 pound for children and a tenner for fat gits.
