500 BOXES OF BASTARDS DUMPED IN STOCKTON PLAYGROUND
Stockton Council has taken delivery of 500 boxes of grade 'A' bastards - some of them foreign - and dumped them in the playground of Stockton Middle Street Primary. The Council claim the bastards will only be there temporarily and will be removed sometime in the next 3 to 6 working years. Already the bastards are scaring and intimidating the children who have been warned to stay well away from the crates. Head Master, Hugh Called, told us, 'It's all very well for the council accepting huge backhanders to take in boxes of bastards from other countries, but we are left with what happens next. It'd only take a couple of toddlers with a crow bar to open up the crates and it'd be bastard-geddon around here.'
This incident is only one in a long line of Council blunders. Last month three hundred a carrier bags full of shit-heads were mistakenly given out to pensioners across Teesside care homes, and the month before 1 million council tax bills were delivered printed on bitches.
The big bloody boxes o'bastards, yesterday
LOST WORD SPELLS DISASTER FOR PIGEONS
Chuckemup Homes - the Ingelby Barwick builders famous for their trademark wretched, one bed-roomed misery huts - have made a startling discovery that may prove to be the literary find of the century. Hidden in the mud on one of their sites was the word 'coof'', long thought to have been extinct from the English language. Coof is a medieval word used to describe the sound one hears when one kicks a pigeon to death. It's thought the word will become the next fashionable buzz word and start a craze of kicking pigeons to death. The discovery will also call back into service the words :
'Coofing,' the act of kicking a pigeon to death, and
'Coofer,' a person who kicks pigeons to death.
Coof will rejoin the English language officially today at a Teesside gala charity event where a selection of local celebrities, such as Stephen Tompkinson and the late Will Hay, will kick pigeons to death to raise money for the R.S.P.B.
The word 'coof', yesterday
MUSLIM MAN FINDS WIFE MISSING
FROM BURKA
A Muslim man is today left scratching his head in disbelief after realising his wife's burka has been empty for the last 5 years. Mr Asif from Stockton took a peak inside his hide-the-wife costume to ask if she wanted a cup of tea and failed to get a response. 'It's our anniversary so I thought I'd spoil her this year with a nice cup of PG Tips. When I looked in the peep hole slot I found a note saying she was leaving me dated five years ago.'
This isn't the first time Mr Asif has made a right burka out of himself. Ten years ago he married a post box by mistake. 'I was made to look a fool that day too. It wasn't until someone posted a letter into my new wife's eyes that I realised I'd made a terrible error.'
Anybody in?
RUDE FOOD WANTED
A family fun day at Preston Park, planned for next week, is going to feature all kinds of foodstuffs that are remotely rude in shape. Billed as 'Cop A Mouthful Of That', the event will display all manner of food that is reminiscent of cheeky human body parts. The organisers are asking for anyone who has found a bottom shaped peach, or has made a couple of wobbly booby shaped jellies with strawberry nipples, to bring them along to the event. It is hoped this year's show will be a better affair that last year's washout when just one person turned up. It was an old man with a cucumber who kept poking people with it and shouting 'Hulk horny!'
Some rude food, yesterday
POTATO? NO IT'S A 'RING EDWARD.'
Keen allotment owner Harley Dimmock couldn't believe his eyes when he dug up a potato from his Thornaby allotment to find a gold ring sticking out of it. He laughed, 'The spud must have grown around the ring, it was hilarious. I took it into the Jolly Farmers Pub and told everyone I'd discovered a Ring Edward. You should have seen their faces! Brill it was.'
Mr Dimmock's glee turned to bewilderment when it was pointed out the ring was actually on a human finger, also protruding from the potato. The Police were called and the remains of Mr Dimmock's wife Nora - who went missing 12 months ago - were found scattered around the allotment. It's thought Mr Dimmock is suffering from a severe mental psychosis with violent blackouts and butchered his wife a year ago. He then hid the body then completely forgot about it. His friends at the Jolly Farmers were in hysterics. They told us, 'That's old Harley for you. He'd forget his head if it wasn't nailed on. Daft old duffer.'
The incriminating spud, yesterday
LIFESTYLE ADVICE...
RUSHED? STRESSED? NOT FEELING AT Y'BEST!
Today's life in the busy fast lane of the rat race can be arduous to say the least! Get up! Go to work! Come home! It's like playing snakes & ladders in a lunatic asylum that's burning down isn't it. Well fear not, help is at hand with me, Morty Vicar, The Tees Bally Fibber's lifestyle guru. Here's my top 10 tips for coping with the busy morning rush hour!
1) Shave valuable seconds of your morning ablutions by going to the toilet in your bed. A wee and a poo can take anything up to 15 minutes so by doing it in your bed you can take a couple of those minutes back for a nifty lie in, ho ho!
2) Eat a hearty breakfast - they told my daddy before they hanged him. But have you really got the time to fill a bowl with cereal? Come off it! Eat as much cereal and toast BEFORE you go to bed. Hey presto, you won't even wake up hungry. And this can help with tip number 1 as well.
3) Got kids? Dress them in their school clothes, coats and shoes the night before so you don't have to waste time dressing them in the morning. And don't bother cooking them a breakfast, send them off with a carrier bag full of crisps - quick, easy, convenient food they can open themselves. Marvellous.
4) Getting dressed is the real time killer for go-getting young moderns like us, so keep your clothes on the passenger seat of your car and drive to work naked, dressing yourself as you go. You'll have saved more time and given yourself an exercise workout too.
5) A morning shower's all well and good for a weekend, but not for a work day. Keep a bucket of water and disinfectant, and a rag on a stick in the passenger foot well of your car. Hey presto you can wash yourself down as you drive. Ideal for getting some of the dirt off your legs if you followed tip number 1.
6) Icy mornings are a time killer because your car is so frosty, innit! So leave your engine running all night long with the car door open. Hey presto, the next morn your windows will be frost free and the engine will be raring to go. The heating will be as warm as toast too. Mmmm.
7) Traffic jams are a nightmare, so drive wildly and erratically mounting curbs, pavements and ploughing through people's gardens. This'll shave off miles and minutes from your journey. Zoooooom!
8) Mind you, the Police might pull you over so pay a fat woman to sit in the back of your car pretending to be a pregnant lady in labour. The Police have to let you speed, it's the law! Don't forget to tell her rub her tummy a lot and say 'Ooh, it's on it's way' and 'Ow this knacks!.'
9) Parking is always difficult at your place of work, isn't it. Don't bother! Simply plough your car into your boss's car and sneak into work the back way. Then, report your car stolen and wait for someone else to find it. Hey presto the parking problem is solved and your may even strike up a conversation with your boss and secure a promotion.
10) Idle talk not only costs lives and it's costs time too. Do not indulge in conversations with the people you work with. Blank them! Pretend they don't exist. If anyone is determined to talk to you use violence to your advantage. And if you feel like you're missing out on all the gossip - start some! Write malicious lies about your workmates on the toilet walls then you won't need to stand chatting all morning.
You are now at your place of work, fed, clothed, washed
and ready for a hard day's work. Have a nice day!
The Tees Bally Fibber wants to hear from you!
Tell us a fact about yourself and for each one we print we
tell an ugly person they have a great personality.
'I scream myself to sleep every night. I wail
and yell for about an hour before I drop off.'
Mz R.C. Cow, Acklam
In the next TEES BALLY FIBBER, we expose the killer in your home...
dishwashers. We dropped 3 of the leading brands of dishwashers onto sleeping tramps and uncovered a lethal design fault.
