Reece: little paperboy git yesterday
She told us, "I was traumatised and immediately rang the undertakers to organise my funeral." It turned out the real headline was about the recent death of some famous actor or someone, but Reece had skilfully altered it. Another man, who does not wish to be named as Ronny Nose, turned himself into Catterick Army base when he read he'd been found guilty of war crimes in Iraq. He said, "I've never left Teesside in my life, but there it was in black and white on the front of me Gazette!" Reece has been banned from working as a paper boy for life, but has been headhunted by several Fleet Street newspapers.
STRICKEN FERRY OFFLOADS
CARGO OF AUSTRIAN NUNS
Teessiders are flocking to Redcar beach, the scene of the capsized ferry disaster - to pick up an Austrian nun, the latest must have chav accessory. The ferry was taking a large party of Austrian nuns on a sight seeing trip of the North sea but accidentally crashed into England. The hull of the ferry has now split open and its cargo of nuns is being washed ashore onto Redcar's shoreline. The nuns, who don't speak a word of English, are old, cold and disoriented. Despite this, hordes of greedy Teessiders are storming the beeches and taking them home.
A man showing off by racing about on his motorbike
with a confused nun yesterday.
SHORT LIVED CRAZE
Robbo Robinson, a labourer from Middlesbrough said, "I got one to take around the pubs of Middlesbrough so me and my mates can have a muck about with it." Some people have taking more than one and intend to use them as garden ornaments or pets. A spokesman for some church or other told us, "This will be a short lived craze. Once the novelty of owning a trophy nun has worn off we are going to see a surge of discarded and unwanted nuns on the streets of Teesside." Police intend to cordon off the beach until the ecumenical disaster has been cleared up. Concerns have also been raised about whether the nuns are safe after one exploded and a Redcar youth was hit in the face by a flying rosary.
Nuns have been spotted as far as Saltburn
TEES HISTORIAN FINDS
THE BEAR FACTS
I.M. Prudence, the amateur Teesside historian who shot to fame after finding Hitler's missing gonad in a hen's egg, has uncovered some startling literary evidence that A.A. Milne's much loved character Winnie The Pooh wasn't originally the little bear we known him as today. In the first draft outlines for the character, Winnie was a talking poo who lived in an enchanted toilet. Milne's publisher thought the whole scenario inappropriate for children and asked the author to re-write him as a lovable, yet retarded, bear. This isn't the first time Mr Prudence has unearthed startling first drafts of popular literary classics. Last year he found preliminary notes for Bram Stoker's novel Dracula in which the central character was a snot drinking handkerchief called Count Dave. Stoker's editor didn't consider the character scary enough and had him change it to a blood sucking vampire called Dracula and the rest is history.
The original Winnie in 'The Giant's Colon'
WHAT'S IN A NAME?
Well quite a lot according to I.M. Prudence. Next time you tuck into a bowl of cornflakes just think - if it hadn't have been for a quick re-think you might be eating Severely Burned Horse Flesh Chips. Yes, that's what they were originally called! Here's some other brand names that were thankfully changed :
The manufacturers of the 70s super-jet Concorde had other plans for its title. Luckily names like 'The Flying Death Box' and 'Stupid Big Nose' were rejected.
Coca Cola hasn't always had it's distinctive trademark. When the drink was first launched it was called 'Rat Pee.' Sales were poor, but picked up after the drink was re-titled 'Poison' then 'Radioactive Acid' then finally Coca Cola. Only then it was a hit.
John Logi Baird invented the television and originally called his amazing invention 'A Microwave Oven' because it looked like one. He then changed the name to 'Big John's Amazing Transmitting Box Of Demonic Belching Sprouts', but the name still didn't catch on because it was stupid. John finally called it a TV in honour of the Scottish tradition of wearing women's clothes.
When the famous baker Archy Pastie saw a very small man being crushed to death by a large sausage rolling out of control down a hill, he hit upon the idea for sausage rolls. They didn't sell very well to begin with because Archy called them 'Person Killers.' It was only when his best friend Tommy Sausageroll came in to try one of his new savoury treats that Archy came up with the name we use today.
The preposterous plans for a demented day of comedic catastrophe are well underway as Teesside gears up for this year's Red Nose Day. Madcap ideas steeped in hi-jinks and tomfoolery to raise money for the loser countries are flying about like buns at a loony festival. Here's some of the crazier ones that may inspire you to get involved in Comic Relief. Come the big day...
All the doctors and nurses at James Cook Hospital are turning up for work with their uniforms on back to front, and the only medicines they're going to administer all day are custard pies.
The vicar of the church in Ingleby Barwick is going to give black masses all day culminating in him raising Satan himself!
All of the Tees fire brigades are going to attend every call out blind drunk. It'll be hilarious watching them trying to fight fires when they are absolutely hammered.
A Norton undertaker is filling corpses with helium and letting them all go.
But before that, if you want to get involved now,
a butcher in Yarm high street is letting people stick the tips of their own noses
in his bacon slicer - so if you want a real red nose, pop along there.
Big hearted Lenny: If you don't laugh at me you're a racist!
Nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag!
If that's all you hear from your wife then it's time you handed her over to the Police.
Cleveland Police have set up drop off points around the region in the shape of skips (or Harridan Bins) where know-it-all, yap yap spouses can be dumped ready for collection. Ring your local station for details.
THE S.S.M.A. ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING REPORT
The Stockton Strange Men Association held its annual general meeting last night in a skip behind the swimming baths. Here are the minutes of the meeting.
THE OFFICIAL 'STRANGE MAN' 10 THINGS TO MUMBLE
TO YOURSELF ON THE BUS TO WORRY
THE PASSENGERS SAT NEAR YOU.
(Note: * means you should beat your own head when you're saying the line.)
ONE
It ate her. IT ate her, not me. It did.*
TWO
But how can we go to the Police when I'm the only one who can see you?
THREE
If these fools only knew what I know they'd be wearing a parachute too!*
FOUR
What do doctors know anyway. How could I infect anyone? Utter tosh.
FIVE
Note to self, underpants made of bacon equals bad idea.
SIX
My God, this is just like the bus in my premonition.
I recognise the people from the bodies too.
SEVEN
As long as we don't hit a bump, this thing won't go off.*
EIGHT
Hurry up, driver, these wounds are getting bigger by the minute.
NINE
This is a stick up. This is a royal gun. Damn, I'm mean 'real' gun.
Am I ever going to get this right?
TEN
That driver, I know him from somewhere.
Of course, Captain Zerox, my arch nemesis.
A whole afternoon dedicated to steps and stairs.
Try out new and exciting modern stairs in the Modern Stairs Tent!
Ride the working model of a moving staircase called an 'escalator!'
Learn to keep fit in the Stair-obics tent!
Learn about the first ever staircase walk by Neil Armstrong a century ago.
There's also advice on how to look cool after tripping up some stairs!
Lots of fun for any family who are impressed by stairs!
'I have recorded several top twenty songs. It's cheaper than buying them!'
Dennis Mapleforth-Hyde, Hardwick
The Tees Bally Fibber website is starting it's 'Just Married Photo Page.'
And, like all local newspaper wedding albums only fat and ugly couples need apply because they make the rest of us feel happy with what we've got
