CLEVELAND POLICE TO INTRODUCE 21^st CENTURY HIGHWAYMEN

Stand and deliver, your money or your life! are words from yesteryear, a much gentler time when road users were robbed or murdered by the famous dashing highwayman Dick Turnips, or John Tackleout the infamous flashing highwaymen. Well now prepare to hear them again as Cleveland Police are training their officers to rob motorists at gun point after flagging them down on highly horse-powered motorbikes. D.I. Why of the Motorist Persecution Department said, "It's the only way we can squeeze those last few doubloons out of motorists. Road tax, needlessly high fuel and insurance, not to mention pointless speed camera fines are all well and good, but now we can legally rob the suckers and they can't do a thing about it." The first Police highwaymen will hit the roads tomorrow and can legally shoot you in the nose if you refuse to stop and hand over your cash, credit cards and pin numbers. The romantic highwaymen scoundrels are also at liberty to ask you to provide a kiss sample which you must do with historic passion.

Your money or points on your licence, a Police-robber yesterday

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SCULPTOR IS AN IDIOT,
CLAIMS ARTS COUNCIL

A hard-of-hearing sculptor - commissioned to make statue of Brian Clough - has been branded a bungling arse-headed idiot by the posh folk at the Arts Council. Roy Deafoy was commissioned to make a commemorative bronze likeness of the dead footballer and manager, but misheard the order and presented a statue of 'Ryan Duff' his old school friend whom he hasn't seen for 55 years. "I thought it was a bit strange," Roy told us, "Because as far as I know Ryan's never done anything out of the ordinary to warrant a statue. Plus, I couldn't really remember what he looked like, and he's probably changed considerably in nearly six decades. No, I don't think I've captured him at all."

This is barmy enough, but on probing Roy the story got even more obscure. He went on to say he'd just remembered his Stockton school friend's name wasn't Ryan Duff after all, it was Keith Duff. There was another lad called Ryan whom he couldn't remember anything else about. So in summary, this cloth eared sculptor has accepted a sixty grand commission to make a life size statue of someone who doesn't really look like anybody and never existed anyway. It will be unveiled next week and will be the pride of Teesside.

A football fan with the sculpture, yesterday

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REAL LIFE DOCTOR WHO? - IT'S A POSSIBILITY

A Teesside scientist has confounded the scientific community by putting forward his theory that mankind will one day become Dr Who-like Time Lords travelling time and space in boxes. The only exception is that the time machines we will use won't be 60's style Police boxes like the Doctor's, they will be portaloos. Doctor Alan Scrote XTC, OMD, ELO, told us, "It'll have to be a portaloo as there doesn't seem to be a bog in the Tardis. You never see the Doctor go for a two, do you?" He went on to tell us that, through extensive research, and a painful operation he performed on himself using science, and in which he died, he is now sexy young Time Lord who can regenerate when dead. He also needs a fit young bird to be his assistant. Dr Scrote said, "I must stress there will be a sexual side to the relationship, unlike the Doctor who must be a poof." Doctor Scrote says that women of 18 to 35 can apply, but if they're older they've got to be scorchers. No fat pigs. He especially wants to audition fit young black lasses. Like Martha. Auditions for the role of assistant are being held in Alan's garden where he keeps his TURDIS, a portaloo he found on a skip. He does wish to stress he's got rid of the stains and 90% of the smell.

Dr Scrote, thinking about black lasses, yesterday

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PAUL DANIELS ARRESTED FOR
MAGICAL CREDIT CARD FRAUD
He's at it again! Evil necromancer Paul Daniels has been using his magical powers to swindle hundreds of pounds out of supermarkets across Teesside. Whenever the girl on the till asked him if he wanted cash back he used an old Jedi mind trick to get her to hand over double what he asked for. Daniels was only discovered when an eagle-eared security guard heard him chuckling 'Now that's magic' to himself - his catchphrase - and became suspicious. When challenged Daniels turned the guard into a savaloy and fled the Ingleby Barwick branch Tesco and mingled with the crowds. He was easily spotted by the Police as he was wearing his customary sky blue silk robes, with stars and moons on, and large pointy hat.

BLINDMAN ROBBED AT BANANA-POINT
A sick minded robber has mugged a blindman, Len Sezz, of fifty pounds by thrusting a banana into his ribs claiming it was a gun. This isn't the first time Mr Sezz has been duped with fruit. Last month he stood for two days in sheer panic after being told he was holding a hand-grenade, it turned out to be a pineapple. Two months ago he ran into James Cook hospital claiming his head had fallen off when someone gave him a watermelon. Police believe it's the same man every time.

COUPLE ASPHYXIATED BY TAXI FUMES
A Middlesbrough couple are in hospital after being overcome by a taxi driver's body odour. They hailed the taxi after a night out drinking and fighting in Middlesbrough. After only a few minutes into the ride they were both unconscious. The driver, a Mr Hygiene Asif, said it was their own fault as he didn't even get a tip. The Tees Bally Fibber can give him a tip - get washed.

TEESSIDE LAMPPOSTS ARE GROWING - SHOCK REPORT
Lampposts around the Teesside area are growing in size at an alarming rate, a new Government report claims today. It claims many are reaching new heights at a rate of one inch a month and unless something is done to combat the problem our entire area will be in total darkness within five years and will be a no-go area for aircraft.

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