Cleveland Police are putting up stiff penalties for the increasing tide in deliberate disabled drivers. Motorists are purposely decreasing their mobility, by self induced amputations and assisted accidents in order to claim parking badges for their cars.
DI Why of the Cleveland Motorist Persecution Department said, "We have cases where drivers have intentionally hacked off feet, arms and noses just so they can park closer to shops just like fortunate naturally disabled people."
He went on to say a married couple from Ormesby were recently convicted of bogus disabilities after it was found they had sewn themselves together and were claiming to be Siamese twins.
Disabled? Or liar?
A brave Stockton newsagent, who has been plagued by no less than three shoplifters in the last 15 years, has finally taken a stand and punched a would-be-thief in the face. Mr Bobby Dazzler of Fags 'N' Rags, Billingham, said he knew the youth was trouble the second he walked in. He started disrespectfully touching everything, messing up the magazines and poking the crisps. When the yob made for the sweets Mr Dazzler leapt over the counter and walloped him one right in the kisser. The youth, a three year old toddler and known hoody wearer, was with his Gran at the time. Mr Dazzler told us, " She started giving it yap yap yap when she'd seen what I'd done so I popped her one as well." Mr Dazzler admits he could have been seriously hurt in the incident and will keep weaponry behind his counter from now on just in case. Mr Dazzler then attacked our reporter for looking at his newspapers in the 'wrong way.'
Mr Dazzler yesterday, about to pounce.
A major crackdown has begun on Teesside in a bid to foil a vast fake pet scam. Counterfeit pets which may look like normal, healthy creatures are indeed cheap knock offs that won't last five minutes. The most popular are pet bunny rabbits which are actually live rats stuffed with sponge to make them cuddlier, with their ears cruelly stretched to become floppy and cute. Similarly, there are some goldfish around that are only gold plated fish. In some cases they're just minnows sprayed orange. But by far the most ridiculous scam feeds from the current craze of owning an Arthritic African Sleeping Snake, a must have chav accessory. Be warned, Arthritic African Sleeping Snakes are nothing more than painted walking sticks.
All these bogus pets are manufactured in eastern European sweat shops by exploited labourers - so they are fantastically cheap! The downside is they're dangerous and explode when dehydrated.
An Arthritic African Sleeping Snake, yesterday
A man has been barred from every pub on Teesside for being a complete and utter bore. Jack Lustre, (36) of Ingleby Barwick, has bothered and bored people at the bars of over 100 Teesside pubs by trying strike up conversations about his car and it's overall petrol consumption. Mr Lustre has also annoyed the hell out of people by standing behind them when they were on the slot machines telling them to hold, nudge, or leave it - always with disastrous results.
BITTER BARMAIDS
Alma Sweatpatch, a barmaid at Ingleby Barwick's newest pub The Software Programmer's Arms told us, "It's his pathetic attempts at humour that cause the most ill-will, particularly when he copies Little Britain. We'd ask him what his drink order was and he'd invariably point to the Guinness pump and say I want that one. The second we'd finished pouring it he would say I don't like Guinness. Mr Lustre invariably had the Guinness thrown over him to which he would always retort "The drinks are on me."
Other pathetic attempts at pub humour involved him jokingly sniffing his own armpits when somebody walked away from him, pretending to push his own teeth back in when he'd mispronounced something, and handing his spectacles to any landlord that said can I have your glasses please.
Some barmaid or other, yesterday
Dear Professor Husk,
I love the Sherlock Holmes books, me. However, I am of an extremely timid and nervous nature and find them altogether far too scary and poo-pant-inducing. Can you recommend some of the more gentle adventures of 221b's favourite amateur sleuth - for the sake of my skirts!
Mz Harriet Nolife, Great Ayton
PROFESSOR HUSK SAYS :
Ho ho, you sound like a right scaredy cat, Harriet. Boo! Only joking, hope you haven't soiled yourself. Yes, Sherlock Holmes can be exciting can't he. The first Holmes story was a Study In Scarlet published in The Teletubbies Get Naked Magazine in 1892, and was written by Sir Arthur Conan Barbarian. The paper came with a free toilet roll so you could mop up any wee wee that leaked out as you read it. Sherlock had many exhilarating adventures, but he also had a few really boring ones too. Here's a list of his five dullest adventures...
A Letter From Kent.
Watson is intrigued by a strange letter sent to him anonymously. Then Holmes' points out the top of the letter which clearly states the letter is from their friend in Kent. Painfully boring.
The Strange Case Of The Toilet That Would Not Flush Properly.
The toilet mysteriously won't flush. Dr Watson calls a plumber and Holmes' work is done for him.
Utter drivel.
Sherlock Holmes Meets His Dad.
The great consulting detective goes for chips with his Dad and are surprised because there is no vinegar anywhere to be found, until some is found. Boring as!
The Mystery Of The Disappearing TV Remote.
Unable to find the remote Holmes tries to work out how to change telly channels by opening the flap on the front. It's too baffling even for him. Eventually the remote is found down the back of Moriarty's sofa. Dull dull dull.
The Day Nothing Happened.
A day in which nothing happens. Holmes and Watson just sit quietly for a day occasionally smiling and nodding at one another out of politeness. Yawnsville.
WHAT'S ON? WHAT'S ON? WHAT'S ON?
The Festival Of Sprouts
All Saints School, Ingleby Barwick. 10am - 6 pm
Celebrate 100 years of sprouts
The Royal Society For The Enforcement Of Sprouts promise it'll be a thrilling day out. There'll be a sprout rolling competition, hide the sprout games for the kiddies, and for the old folk - free sprout tea. Find out some fascinating facts about our little green buddies such as 'sprouts aren't really vegetables, technically they are mammals.' The Stockton Sprout Club will also be re-enacting the infamous 1923 Sprout Riots that occurred in Portrack in which many people died. Hilarious family fun!
Entrance is free but guests are required to bring their own sprouts.
Sport - Sport - Sport - Sport - Sport - Sport - Sport
TEES BALLY BALL BAG
Gareth Southgate, manger for cash strapped Middlesbrough's has stunned critics in the most amazing cash saving idea the game has ever seen. Southgate has sold the entire team at a car boot sale for 70 quid! "It had to be done, they were costing a fortune every week. Now we have no overheads and can look forward to a rosy and financially secure future." The team was sold to a middle aged woman who claimed she would use them for sexual purposes. When asked how he though the Boro might do in future matches Southgate told us, "Providing the wind is strong and in our favour, we can expect some quite amazing defeats."
So is Gareth Southgate really off his rocker for making such a stupid decision? Well, yes, obviously, but he's not alone. Take a look at some of the other worst football managerial tactics in recent years.
1 : In 1996 Fulham manager Roy Stobbard replaced his goalie with a hologram who was a lot faster, but being made of only light the ball went right through him!
2 : Cecil Gladrags once spent his entire Arsenal budget on solid gold goalposts and had nothing left over for players. His club lost 10,000 to nil EVERY game. And the posts got nicked.
3 : Manchester United manager Toby Nipples once sold his best striker and replaced him with his fat wife because she nagged him so much. She was useless, but she enjoyed the bath with the lads afterwards.
4 : Aston Villa manager Gary Headcase thought he could speed his players up by putting them on roller skates. It actually slowed them up because he forgot they don't work on grass.
5 : During the war, Tottenham's manager ordered all their games to be played during air raids in the hope it would put the other side off. All the players got killed.
6 : After watching a documentary about how clever dolphins are, Nobby Stylus, the then manager of York City, replaced his centre forwards with dolphins. They just died and laid there smelling horrible and fishy and that.
7 : When the F.A. asked Sir Stanley Ratchews why his players had no shorts on he said they were showing off their ball control.
8 : Heinrich Chunderhaus once gave all the players in his Munich side jet packs so they could move quicker. The jet packs were faulty and when they broke down the whole team were left stranded in the air for sixteen weeks!
9 : In an attempt to inspire his players, manager Trevor Steaming allowed his team full access to his bank account. They cleared it out and were never seen again.
PLANET OF THE APES TV
¬Ý6.00 THE MORNING SCRATCH
Lively morning kids' show presented by Ursus, featuring fun interactive games like Hide The Human and sketches like My Wife's A Mutant.
9.00 TIME TEAM
Cornelius and his shabby band of heretic archaeologists unearth more 'evidence' of a former civilisation in the Forbidden Zone. Utter tripe!
10.20 MEN BEHAVING BADLY
CCTV footage exposing the rising tide in human disobedience.
10.55 BABOON HUNT
Antique expert baboon Davius Dickinson seeks out more tat from yesteryear.
11.30 THE MONKEES
Zany comedy about four young chimps in a rock band.
12.00 LUNCHTIME NEWS
Find out what other simians are having for their lunches. You can guess it's pretty much fruit and nuts. Hosted by Aldo.
1.10 SEX AND APE CITY
Lewd show about high flying, sexually active young female chimps.
2.10 GO BANANAS WITH URKO
Cookery show in which Urko shows us even more dishes from bananas.
2.45 CHANGING HUMES
Make over show. Make your human look 10 years younger.
3.10 FILM : PLANET OF THE HUMANS
Far fetched sci-fi hokum about an ape astronaut stranded on a planet of intelligent humans.
5.15 BOBO THE BUILDER
Children's show about a kindly gorilla builder.
6.00 BEASTENDERS
Dirty Deno makes an unwelcome return and the feud between the chimpanzees and the gorillas heats up when Galen finds gorilla poo pushed though his letter box.
6.35 CESAR'S SALADS
More mouth watering vegetarian dishes from Cesar.
7.00 THE WEAKEST CHIMP
Game show hosted by red haired orang-utan Annius Robinson.
7.40 THE SIMIANS
Cartoon comedy. Homerk and Barto join the Springfield human hunt but end up living with a family of humans, even adopting their ways - like bathing!
8.30 ONLY FOOLS AND HUMANS
Delius and Rodderks buy a dozen second hand, damaged humans and try to sell them on the market, but little do they know they all have the plague. Can Delius sell them to the military as target practice? Hilarious comedy.
9.30 YES, LAWGIVER
Comedy set in the upper ranks of the orang-utan government.
10.00 APE EXPECTATIONS (NEW SERIES)
Lavish costume drama of the classic novel by Dr Zaius (as all books are.)
11.05 MONKEY NUTS
Light hearted chat show hosted by Zira. Amongst her eccentric guests tonight is an ape who has shaved himself bald for charity, and a human who claims to be an astronaut from our very own past.
How did you score?
If you got a quarter of these Planet Of The Apes jokes then you're an intelligent person who has seen the film and remembers it via a mechanism known as the mind-box.
If you got half of these Planet of the Apes jokes, you are a borderline sci-fi fan. Get out more. Interact with people who AREN'T into computers, science fiction and size 46 jeans.
If you got all of these Planet Of The Apes jokes then oh dear. It's time to put sell all those DVDs, comics, books and trading cards on eBay to raise enough money for an assisted suicide holiday in Amsterdam.
WE'RE GIVING AWAY
DR PHIL'S NEW BOOK!
(because we lost the receipt)
