A 52 year old bank manager has kidnapped himself at gunpoint as he left work yesterday. Geoffrey Bungle was forced to drive blindfold to a secret location by himself as he pushed the gun barrel into his own ribs. Mr Bungle then made an anonymous phone call to the Barkswest Bank demanding 50 quid in used coins in return for himself. But, half an hour later, Mr Bungle made another call in his role as bank manager saying he would not give in to kidnappers. The deadlock continues. His wife told us this isn't the first time Mr Bungle has fallen foul of himself. Last year he beat himself up over an argument about a parking space.
Mr Bungle, yesterday
A Stockton charity aimed at finding homes for cannon dogs is being hailed as a partial success today as one dog was given to a proud new owner. Cannon Dogging used to be a very popular sport and involves loading up to five dogs into a big cannon and shooting them out with punters taking bets on which dog will go the furthest. For centuries Teesside has had the questionable reputation for firing the most dogs out of cannons per annum.
Indeed, the national record was set in 1871 by Zooming Jim, a Labrador from Acklam. The canine achieved a staggering mile and three quarter long blast and the stuffed pooch is on display today at the Dorman Museum. Cannon Dogging was once a national sport but is largely frowned upon in modern p.c. Britain as it gained a sinister name in the early 1980s when gypsies started firing dogs at brick walls taking bets on which one would make the biggest mess. A spokesman for S.H.O.C.C. - the Society for the Homing Of Cannon Canines - said, "Dogs can only survive around 9 cannon shots before they begin falling apart. They are then discarded by their cruel owners and are left in parks, often disorientated and hooked on booze." Now S.H.O.C.C. has managed to find a home for one of its nine hundred flying fidos. Pensioner Bill Howitzer yesterday took ownership of Candy - a 7 times cannon dog. He said he's looking forward to eating it.
It's not all good news though, S.H.O.C.C. has stated that if homes are not found for its other 899 dogs by Saturday afternoon they will all be blown out of a large cannon - into the sea.
A cannon dogging re-enactment
Maureen Gimp, a councillor for Stockton, is to bury her head in the sand of Redcar beach in a protest at over working of councillors in general. She said, "It's simply not fair. We councillors are constantly being asked to do things and I for one am sick of it. I can't go anywhere without someone asking me what I'm going to do about this and that and it's going to stop."
Mz Gimp went on to say that people only become councillors for the free lunches and getting their faces in the local paper. None of them have any idea what's going on and couldn't do anything to help even if they cared. Mz Gimp will bury her head in the sand this coming Sunday and remain there until people get the message. Or the tide comes in.
Some kind of weird headless beast, yesterday
Would you like to be the mayor of Middlesbrough one day? - well you'd better start eating beans now, kid! It's been decided the only way a new mayor can be democratically chosen is by a flatulence competition with the producer of the loudest bowel yodel winning the coveted job.
Previous contestants were chosen with the old 'trial by ordeal' method where a candidate was thrown into the Tees. If they floated they were disqualified, if they drowned they were given the job. This method is now deemed archaic because centuries of soggy dead mayors has made Middlesbrough an international laughing stock.
Current mayor Ray Mallon got the job because he's the best fighter on Teesside.
He was loved by literally dozens of people, but now Middlesbrough's lion mascot Roary has been put to sleep by a vet after the animal mauled a gazelle to death. The ground staff at the Boro stadium feared the 7ft tall lion might attack a child now that it had tasted blood. It's now known Roary definitely had attacked people before as an autopsy showed a fully grown human man inside the beast.
Roary, before he was mercifully shot, yesterday
It sounded like a perfect idea to animal welfare groups, a pet shop owned and run by the pets themselves, but in reality it was nothing short of a disaster.
U Can Pet On It on Portrack Lane was designed to give pets a fair share in the business and jobs for over 50 household animals. But, with no humans around to keep order the snakes ate the rabbits and guinea pigs, the cats ate the fish and birds and the dogs ate the snakes and the cats. The first customer, Miss Belinda Buggerlugs, visited the store 20 minutes after it opened to buy a stick for her hamster. 'It was a bloodstained scene of animal carnage. Beaks, tails and fur everywhere.' Plans to open a further 10 U Can Pet On it stores around Teesside have now been shelved.
In his latest money making fiasco Paul Daniels, Teesside's only evil magician and showman, is literally going to give birth live on webcam. And as if that wasn't 'magic' enough, he'll give birth to a baby swan! Daniels was impregnated last month when he turned himself into a female swan to evade arrest for pick-pocketing in Middlesbrough's Stewart Park. He smugly told us, 'When the Police came to arrest me I magically transformed myself into a majestic swan as there's an archaic law in England that states the Queen's swans can never ever be arrested.' However, whilst in swan form, Daniels failed to see a randy male swan coming up behind him. The naughty necromancer said the whole ordeal brought a tear to his eye, but he's going to make some money out of it if it kills him. Daniels giving birth to a swan will be available to download from next week.
Paul Daniels looking handsome, yesterday
Dear Orville,
My husband passed a month ago quietly and peacefully - whilst driving his taxi on the A19. It was quite unexpected, especially for his three passengers - ho ho, but I still need closure... of his bank account. I need to know where he kept his passbook so I can empty it and get on with my life now that the fat, miserable sod is dead.
Orville Says,
I can sense you were very very close to your husband and are heartbroken at his passing. Your husband's ghost is telling me the passbook is hidden somewhere in the house, or shed if you have one. However, in the afterlife, his spirit is being tortured by demons for amassing money from a terrible trade like taxi driving. To protect your immortal soul when you die you'll need to pass on the contents of the bank account to me. Hurry, I can sense a really scary demon looking at you and rubbing its tummy right now. May the ghost of love haunt your house.
Dear Orville,
My brother passed two years ago when he deliberately drowned himself in Hartlepool docks just to prove it could be done in under a minute. We were twins and lived parallel lives feeling each other's pain, as twins do. Ever since he drowned I have suffered occasional shortage of breath, usually after sports, and sometimes my hair take ages to dry. Will this pass in time? One other thing, I also have a morbid fear of going to Hartlepool again, although there's nothing mysterious about that.
Orville Says,
Your twin brother is sending you these feelings as a fearful warning from beyond the watery grave. He cannot rest until you set up a trust fund in his honour. I can help you with this and have sent you a direct debit form which you just need to complete. Sign it, send it to me, and then wait for a period of 25 years - which is a fleeting second in the spirit world - then all will be well again. May the ghost of love haunt your house.
Dear Orville,
My best fried Julie died last summer from an eating disorder. She binged on toasties, ham and cheese, bacon and mushroom, sausage and onion - you name it. She died because I was too foolish to try and stop her. Julie was a rabbit by the way. Does she forgive me?
Orville says,
How sad, but as the saying goes 'a fool and his bunny are easily parted.' Julie died of a common rabbit disease called 'mixing-me-toasties' and her spirit wants you to know... she hates you and is living in ever lasting fear being hunted in Jesus' forests by the ghost of Elmer Fudd. You can save her by sending in all your jewellery. They are earthly items that are tethering her lost soul to you. Only send the good jewellery, 18 carat or over, and no, that's not another bunny pun. May the ghost of love haunt your house.
REMEMBER:
If you tell anyone you're sending Orville cash or goods it will break the magic spell and he will not be able to stop your dead loved ones burning in the fires of hell, which incidentally knack.
DR HAZZA D'GUESS
Your medical questions answered
SEX SPECIAL!
SLURP! RUMMAGE! HONK-HONK! YEE-HA!
Dear Dr D'Guess,
How can I persuade my wife to get intimate with me? I've tried everything - including buying her flowers, blackmail, and a headlock - but she just doesn't seem interested. By the way, she left me 5 years ago and now has a new husband.
DR D'GUESS SAYS
The best way to get a lady to come across with the goods is to buy her soft furnishings, such as sofas or expensive lamps. My house is brimming with tat like that. Honestly, it's like a branch of Ikea, but I'm at it like a stray dog in the park, albeit with the soft furnishings, admittedly.
Dear Dr D'Guess,
I'm a 57 year old woman who still enjoys 'you know what' but I'm about to have a double hip replacement operation and I'm worried it might affect my - 'you know what life.'
DR D'GUESS SAYS
57 and still at it! Yikes, no wonder you've worn your hips out. I wouldn't worry at all. In fact, ask them to put the hips in backwards then you can invent some new positions afterwards.
Dear Dr D'Guess,
Why do men have nipples?
DR D'GUESS SAYS
Men's nipples (or Dimmocks) date back to the cave man days when men were required to feed the baby dinosaurs when the women cavemen were out buying brontosaurus burgers and ribs from the supermarket. They are dormant now but scientists think one day we will pee out of them.\
There's more from Dr Hazza D'Guess next time. Well, if he can persuade that lying woman to drop her ridiculous and unfounded 'Groping GP' claim.
THE TOP 10 WORST NAMES EVER
FOR A DOG
1: Bacon Balls
2: Lord Fluff The Dark Destroyer
3: Two Biscuits At Bedtime
4: Rabies
5: Wiggy The Bald Dog
6: Kiddy Mauler
7: My Owner Beats Me
8: The Baby Jesus
9: Muslim Biter
10: Gay Dog
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'I have a brother who's in University. He's in a bottle on a shelf!'
Mr Norton Commando, Blue Hall
