Snowdon, Cleveland Police's former top sniffer dog - who once brought to justice a massive skunk - may sue his former bosses claiming he's now hooked on every kind of drug going.
He says his life is ruined and he's off his furry face most days. Snowdon was fired from Cleveland Police 2 months ago after being found in Middlesbrough nightclub trying to buy drugs from a known dealer. The undercover C.I.D. officer who arrested him said, 'Snowdon stood out a mile as he's a dog. Everyone else in the club was either a man or a woman.'
Snowdon, in happier times
Patty, the teenage girl who was found living wild in a Middlesbrough park, yesterday took another step towards normality as she was given a full time job. It's thought Patty was abandoned as a baby and was raised by the park's wooden benches, spending most of her life in an unmoving seated position, mimicking her adopted family. For 16 years countless passers by used her as a bench thinking she was some kind of novelty artwork seating. It was only when she farted last summer that someone notice she was actually alive.
She was taken into care by Cleveland Social Services and given food, clothes and the ironic name Patty O'Furniture. Yesterday she began her first job, with National Express, as a seat for the elderly.
Patty's mum, happy for her daughter's success.
TEACHER WHO GAVE KIDS
ACCESS TO BANK ACCOUNT IS SKINT
Branded the worst teacher ever by school governors, Mr Tom Tit of Ormesby's Our Lady Of The Ipod school, has once again lived up to his reputation by giving his pupils full access to his bank account. Many of the kids are still missing, presumed on an national spending spree. He told us, 'I was trying to teach them the value of money. I thought they might invest the cash into bonds or pension schemes. Instead they just grabbed what they could and went mad. Now I'm broke and in danger of losing my job.'
Last month the mad master hit the headlines by giving pupils as young as 11 a large glass of whiskey each and a turn driving his car to show them the dangers of drink driving. His Ford Galaxy was written off when inebriated pupils drove it repeatedly into a library. He was even banned from the library. Parents have called for him to be relieved of his duties before his proposed school 'Playing With Matches Festival' next week.
Mr Tit, photographed on a recent school trip to raise awareness of heights
Yes, the Tees Bally Fibber has started it's own celebrity brown-nose section.
It's compiled by our very own celebrity wannabe and hanger-on Needa Getalife,
and written in her own ill educated, excitable, Heat-for-brains way.
TOP CELEB NEWS TODAY!
Victoria Beckham has stunned, like, everyone!, by claiming she once thought
she saw Paris Hilton in a shop, but it turned out to be a clothes dummy.
How hilarious! That has happened to me a zillion times!
Charlotte Church has revealed she likes tomato ketchup! I was like WOW
when I heard this as I LOVE ketchup! I'm eating a bowl full as I write this! Yaaaaay!!
Needa, pictured whilst hearing about Charlotte's ketchup shocker.
Needa will be back with the Tees Bally next ish -
unless we get a decent feature to fill a couple of inches that is.
INQUEST INTO DEATH OF PARTY
An inquest has opened into the slow and painful death of a party last Saturday night in Acklam. The party, thrown by young couple Mark and Claire Bland, was last seen looking quite healthy at 7.30 when guests were starting to arrive. However, things turned sour less than an hour later when the booze began to run out and Mr Bland tried to embarrass guests into supplying their own drink. The Teesside Wasted Weekend Court may fine the couple if they find them guilty of 'Luring Weekenders Into A False Sense Of Frivolity.'
'FOOTBALL IS RUBBISH' CLAIM SHOCKS FANS
Boro Manager Gareth Southgate has stunned fans by being honest about football calling it's 'rubbish'. He said, 'It's pointless. It's just some men running around. What's the point of that?'
He also added his team will withdraw from matches in future to concentrate their Saturday afternoons on interesting things, like watching telly and going shopping with the wife.
EVIL RACIST ARRESTED IN 'OPERATION YOU'RE ETH-NICKED'
A Hartlepool man who admitted to laughing at a racist joke over 10 years ago has been arrested as part of Cleveland Police's Operation You're Eth-Nicked which is geared towards making asylum seekers and ethnic minorities feel even more empowered.
The man was dragged from his home by 500 armed Police last night after an anonymous tip-off he found a racist joke funny in 1995. DI Why, who is in charge of Operation You're Eth-Nicked said, 'We have to be seen to take racism seriously, and one day we will. And yes, although seventeen houses across Teesside were burgled whilst my officers were on this call out, we feel it's a great step forward in sucking up to 'that lot.'
PANTO GROUP FACES 17TH CONSECUTIVE BAN
The Teesside Inappropriate Panto Group has been banned from performing their latest production - for the 17th year running - on the grounds of good taste. This year's offering, based on Tourette's syndrome is entitled Jack And The F*****g Beanstalk and contained strong language throughout. Other productions which have never seen the light of day have been Dr Shipman And The 3 Ageing Bears, and a panto set in Nazi Germany called Mother Goosestep.
For sale or hire!
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Ring 0111 563563535 ask for Dr Struckoff or Nurse Disgraced
MEAT IS NOT MURDER
Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease, Sausage Sickness -
it's never been a better time to turn vegetarian.
But we at The Tees Bally Fibber want to put both sides of the argument to you,
fairly and squarely, before you decide to become one of those pasty faced losers.
Here's The Tees Bally top five reasons we should eat animals.
1 They'd get bored if we didn't eat them. That's why farmers take bites out of their
livestock to keep them occupied on the way to the slaughterhouse.
2 Animals don't have a pension system so if they didn't get scoffed they'd retire with no money.
3 Chickens must be eaten otherwise they grow fifty foot high and turn into terrorists.
4 Pigs, sheep and cows are ugly.
5 It's their own fault for tasting so good.
INDUSTRIOUS TEESSIDERS from history and that
Thomas Braintree 1870 - 1932,
Inventor of the Gentlemen's Nose Hook.
When Thornaby's Thomas Braintree's was wooing his young love Marie, they found themselves in Stockton's Ropner Park on a hot sunny day. Marie wished to remove her hat, but being a lady would not do so as there was nowhere for her to hang it, (as per the rules of Victorian hat etiquette.) Thomas, seeing her embarrassment, ran home and invented the Gentlemen's Nose Hook. It was a sturdy iron coat hook a man could attach to his nose with a powerful spring loaded clip thus providing a place for a lady to hang her hat should she ever wish to do so.
Sadly, upon his return to the park - several hours later - Marie had been arrested for strangling swans to death, having become bored by Thomas's absence.
The romance failed but the Gentlemen's Nose Hook proved a success.
Thomas went on to patent it and sold a staggering 23 Nose Hooks over the next 30 years.
The Tees Bally Fibber wants to hear from you!
Tell us a fact about yourself and for each one we print
we give a bag full of silver paper to a homeless!
'I am my own worst enemy. I send myself hate mail and shout
nasty things to myself in the street. I once waited for myself
down a back alley and beat the hell out of myself.'
Dr Stanley Fraud, G.P, Stainsby
Come And Have A Pint
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EVENING MEAL
Microwave pizza, crisps and 13 pints of lager, punch in the stomach 9 QUID
(Every week night except when there's something good on the telly.)
Chinese Buffet every Sunday night.
3 courses all with chips,
15 pints, plus a karate chop to the throat 10 POUND per person. Kiddies half price.
Hospital and ambulance bookings free! Phone now 01111 7573757375
NO PROFESSIONAL FIGHTERS PLEASE, THIS IS A FAMILY PUB
