SLEEPING GIANT CAUSES
STOCKTON TRAFFIC TURMOIL

Jimmy, the 385ft tall, 27 ton giant, is causing a huge traffic jam after getting smashed out of his giant head on booze and falling asleep on the Portrack roundabout. Traffic is being diverted around the giant causing tailbacks of up to three cars long. It is thought Jimmy had been drinking solidly for two days before he passed out and fell over - the shockwave of which was felt 10 miles away. This isn't the first time Jimmy has caused problems with his drinking. Last year he was found asleep in the Tees. His huge body mass caused banks to flood in Yarm and a gay drowned. Being a giant his boozy hangover sleeps last a colossal 6 weeks. A spokes-copper for Stockton Police said, 'We are going to remove the sleeping giant by breaking him into smaller pieces with dynamite. Like they do when a beached whale beached to be moved.'

Jimmy is Stockton High Street when his wife threw him out.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Is it murder? Or do the Police have a right to blow Jimmy up as he's such a freak of nature he cannot possibly be classed as human.
Shout out your answer now then press the red button on your remote.

Mrs Leonard, yesterday.

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TEES FILM DIRECTOR RESCUED FROM
CLIFF DEMANDS SECOND TAKE

A holidaying Tees film director who was enjoying the sea air at Skinningrove became stuck in a precarious situation after a sudden landslide. Mr Michael Loser, 56, who's film credits include the never popular DI Chesterfield series - about a crime fighting settee - was left clinging for dear life looking down on a sheer 280ft drop.

The coastguard helicopter team member who managed to retrieve him said, 'The man's an idiot. As I was lowered by winch to save him he kept shouting film directions at me like Gaze out to sea and think of a lost loved one and Look pensive! No, more pensive than that! He's off his chump!' Mr Loser was picked up from the cliff but scolded the brave coastguard air support man for being wooden and behaving like a prima donna.

He demanded to be put back until the light was better but was taken to James Cook Hospital where he angrily tried to fire everyone before storming back to the cliff saying 'I'll do it my bloody self shall I!'

Mr Loser being rescued, but the lighting was wrong

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BOY IS BURNING
TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL

A 12 year old boy suffering from S.H.C. syndrome (Spontaneous Human Combustion) has been told he cannot go back to school because he's a fire hazard. Archie Balls of Inlgeby Barwick caught the syndrome two years ago after fannying about with matches. Ever since he has sporadically burst into flames up to 13 times a week and has to be immersed in water very quickly. His mother - who's name we couldn't be bothered asking - said, 'Archie's bullied and victimised as it is, but now he's banned from the school it's the final nail in the cake. What chance has he of living a normal life now?'

All Saints School in Ingleby claimed Archie had to be expelled because he burst into flames during P.E. and nearly burned the gym down. His attacks have singed many of his classmates and earned him the cruel nickname Great Balls Of Fire. The school said it would not be cost effective to have someone on hand with a fire extinguisher all the time he's at school. Archie says his future hopes have gone up in smoke as, without an education, he could never be allowed into the fire brigade - his dream job.

Archie, sulking in the garage, yesterday

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WORLD WAR TWO GERMAN PILOT FOUND ALIVE IN WOODS

A Luftwaffe pilot who bailed out of his wrecked plane after a bombing spree over Teesside was yesterday found alive in Thornaby wood. Amazingly, Kurt Gruger survived for over 60 years on badgers believing the war to be still going on.

He was terrified he'd be caught and shot so he laid low until he was found shivering in the hollow of a tree by a lady walking her dog. Kurt, now a frail 80+ emaciated old man, put up his hands and surrendered. He was taken into Police custody and will be shot at dawn tomorrow.

World War Two, yesterday

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There's 50 quid for every eagle eyed Tees Bally Fibber reader who spots Jesus out and about on Teesside. Here's last week's winners.

Alan Bell, maggot farmer
I spotted Jesus in the alley behind our house. He was going through the bins. At first I thought he was after people's personal details to commit credit card fraud, but it turned out he'd lost his mobile.

June December, receptionist
I saw Jesus in the 9 items or less queue in Asda on Portrack Lane, Stockton. He had ten items but when I pointed this out he said the tangerines were buy one get one free. I said sorry and he forgave me.

Bill Andben, mint salesman
Jesus was in Subway in Stockton town centre. He got a barbecue rib foot long. I was shocked because aren't messiahs meant to be vegetarian?

This week Christ will be in the Acklam area Monday to Wednesday
then in Redcar for the remainder of the week.

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Green Desk with Eco Ely

Recycling - don't do it, it's evil
We've all seen the ads telling us to recycle recycle recycle - the three rs! And more of us are doing just that. Bottles and cans, grass cuttings - one man even makes all his family's clothes out of skinned road kill animals. But what they don't tell us is what they're doing with this recycled rubbish.
Well I can tell you - they're doing evil! Our councils are making a bundle selling our recycling to corrupt governments and sinister organisations hell-bent on evil and disruption.

Did you know...
Plastic cartons and bottles are melted down and sold to South African dictatorships to make plastic bullets to shoot endangered monkeys out of the trees so the can be bullied into prostitution.
Whore monkeys!

Tins and cans are sold to Soviet Scientists who are trying to perfect real life Daleks!

Glass is sold to Argentina who grind it into a fine powder which they
use to blind seabirds, a national sport.

A where does all this evil begin? With you! So in future, when my nagging woman of a wife orders me to take the recycling to the end of the drive in the peeing wet rain I shall tell her where to go and I suggest you do the same!

This planet's had it - why worry!

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IN MEMORIAM WHILST YOU'RE
AT THE CREMATORIUM

A new section of The Fibber that allows you to remember
lost loved ones with some badly written poetry.

In memory of Todd Lummy by his drinking partners Rod Chod & Gerry Berries
We'll never see you again, just like you didn't see the bus,
It was the number 33 on which you always caused a fuss,
We caught that service most nights after boozing at The Queens,
You were always chucking chips at folk or shouting something obscene,
Or throwing up and causing fights, always on the top deck,
But you ended up beneath the wheels with a nasty twist in your neck,
Plastered all over the front of the bus which is really quite ironic,
As you were often plastered on the inside after a litre of gin and tonic.

In memory of Pat Juggs by her daughter Ophelia
Mam you were a great mam and a lovely mam at that,
The best mam in the world in fact, and your name was Pat,
You had a smile that was lovely and really so uplifting,
Life is so expensive now without all your shoplifting,
These words are hard to write as I don't have a thesaurus,
You would have helped me, I know, as you were a Taurus.

In memory of Barston Gonk by his grandson Kevin Gonk
I shall remember your laugh, Granddad, a laugh so soft and gentle,
You laughed at almost anything, we thought you were a bit mental,
You laughed at the clouds or when you saw a chair,
You laughed at the bald and people with hair,
You laughed when you were wet and when you were dry,
To be honest it was a relief when we knew you would die,
You'll be up there now, laughing in heaven,
Probably at something obscure like the number 7.

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