SORTING OFFICE SAY HOMELESS MAN CAN USE RIVER TEES AS ADDRESS
If you receive a soaking wet letter with a return address of 'The River Tees', don't alarmed, it's just Barrowgate Crumpet, a mad tramp, who can now legally do such a thing. Barrowgate moved into the River Tees two years ago when he was evicted from a puddle on Riverside Road, Stockton. Since then, the soggy smoggy has been living the life aquatic treading water in the Tees. He was originally banned from having his mail delivered into the Tees but now The Post Office said, 'Most of the foreign post men we employ dump their letters in the river anyway, so what the hell.'
Barrowgate : If this were France he'd be in Seine
HOME SWEET HOME
Barrowgate is delighted by the ruling and said, 'The river really feels like home to me now. I have big plans to spruce it up too and will be decorating by floating rolls of wallpaper on the surface of the water under Victoria Bridge, which is my living room. And I'm throwing a river warming party on Saturday night. Everyone's invited, just jump off the bridge 7.30 for 8 ish.'
ROAMING ROMAN GHOST SPOOKS BARWICK RESIDENTS
'Aaaaagh, it's a bloody ghost!' If you've said those words recently then its likely you live in Ingleby Barwick and have witnessed the apparition of The Roaming Roman. Ever since Chuckemup Homes uncovered a historically important Roman Villa a few years ago - and quickly built their tawdry semi-detached chav huts on the site - the ghost of a Roman centurion has wandered Ingleby putting the willies up people.
Mr Tom Artosandwich, of Ingleby, a keen ghost and woman watcher, told us, 'It is a restless spirit that cannot return to its grave which has eternity to wander Ingleby. What would you do in its place. You'd watch women in the shower wouldn't you. I know I would.'
HISTORY'S MYSTERIES
Mrs O'Balsam and the 'ghost'?
Inglius's ghost is often spotted around Ingleby. This eerie picture was taken last year. Mr Albert O'Balsam of Allerford Close took a photo of his wife and child. When the photo came out the child is mysteriously levitating and you can just make out the image of a roman soldier too. Some experts have dismissed the 'ghost' as merely a trick of the light, or some sick on the camera lens. Mr Artosandwich is taking it very seriously and has offered to keep a vigil in the bathrooms of any single mothers who are worried the ghost may be watching them in the shower.
A Tees Ambulance Driver who shouted at chavs to stop leaving flowers at the scene of a car crash has been branded 'evil' by the very same track-suit wearing folk. The paramedic claims his attempts to get an injured driver from a crashed car were hindered by 'sanctimonious idiots.'
He said, 'The motorist - whom none of them even knew! - only had a broken leg, but those self satisfying, holier-than-thou chavs wanted to plaster the area with nicked flowers. One such chav, a Maureen Gutbucket told us, 'Those of us who have never suffered a bereavement need something to get self-righteous about when we're drunk. It gives us a reason to become violently pious when we're off our faces on cider. Know what I mean, like.'
A pious chav yesterday, chasing ambulances
FA RULING A VICTORY FOR BORO
Boro manager Gareth Southgate is delighted that the F.A. have ruled that any players he deems to be sufficiently injured can carry on playing on mopeds. Southgate said, 'This is a victory for sportsmanship, but I shall not abuse the ruling. It's a pure coincidence that we've just bought big hammer and 11 Hondas, that's all.'
NEW CRIME INITIATIVE HIGHLY IMAGINATIVE
Cleveland Police have launched their new Figments Of The Law crime tackling scheme with a multi-million pound dinner. Speaking at the elaborate gala luncheon, D.I. Why, who is spearheading the scheme, said, 'It's simple. We urge criminals to imagine there are several police officers watching everything they do, 24/7. This will deter them from committing crimes. It's as easy as that.' The initiative has been deemed necessary as the force had no money left over for any real coppers.
SAUSAGE MEET STILL ON
The Norton chapter of the Stockton Sausage Lovers Club will meet next Thursday night. The theme of the meeting will be fillings, with a focus on getting the most from your pig. Topics covered will be eye-lids, vocal chords and bowel scrapings. Attendees are urged to bring their own pigs and a sharp knife.
Bookshelf
WITH WARREN PEAS
Hi fellow book lovers. I expect, like me, you're eagerly awaiting the new Harry Potter book. Apparently it's going to be even bigger than the others so you'll need help to carry it home. It's called Harry Potter & The Need For An Editor.
Apparently one of the characters gets killed.
Let's hope it's JK Rowling before she writes another one.
The Tees Bally Fibber gave me a wad of cash to buy some of the latest best sellers and review them for this section. Unfortunately I only got as far as the dirty mag shop so if you want a review of Wobblers, Slippery Soldier or The Nibbler then drop me an email.
I have done some work though - here's a list of classic books updated for the computer age :
Charlotte's Web Page (E.B. White)
Cyber With Rosie (Laurie Lee)
The Old Man And The C-Drive (Ernest Hemmingway)
Of Mice Mats And Men (John Steinbeck)
Moby Disk (Herman Melville)
The Canterbury Emails (Geoffrey Chaucer)
Brave New ntlworld (Aldous Huxley)
The Pit And The Pentium (Edgar Allan Poe)
Hard Drive Times (Charles DIckens)
The Jpeg Of Dorian Gray (Oscar Wilde)
Windows 1984 (George Orwell)
Scanner Karenina (L.N. Tolstoy)
The Adventures Of Rom Sawyer (Mark Twain)
A WEEK IN THE GARDEN
with the Tees Bally Fibber's gardener in question; Mary Q. Contrary
On Monday I started planting some geranium seeds now that the cold snap has passed. I didn't finish the job as I found half a bottle of cider and some gin under the rhododendrons. I must have left it there when I passed out the day before. I swigged it down and fell asleep in God's lovely sunshine. And rain.
Tuesday. It was time to dig up the carrots. I went to fetch my hoe from the shed and found some sherry I'd been hiding from my husband. I drank it all and woke up face down in the compost heap seven hours later.
Wednesday came and went, I suppose.
Don't remember it AT ALL as my home brew was ready for supping.
Thursday was the day I had set aside to cut back the conifers. And I would have done just that if I hadn't found a tenner in my husband's trousers and bought some brandy with it. Slept in the shed all day.
Friday. I wanted to do something about the greenfly my poor sunflowers were suffering from. I got a bottle of Dr Aphid's Bug Off, but it didn't make it as far as the sunflowers I'm afraid. It smelt like vodka so I necked the lot. Not sure if it did the trick but I did pass out. Woke up in my own vomit.
Saturday and I dug out the electric shears to tackle that ruddy overgrown honeysuckle. Lost a finger and half a can of Special Brew. Luckily I had more Special Brew in the potting shed.
Sunday. Drank quite a lot of supermarket wine in readiness for cutting the lawn. Strong stuff as I woke up in the living room after apparently mowing the carpet to buggery. Jim says he's going to leave me.
Kidz Korner
The Top 10 Things To Shout Out In Class To Worry Your Teacher!
Wait until the class is completely quiet. Don't look up from your desk, simply shout out one of the following phrases then deny all knowledge of doing so.
1: You had no right to kill that monkey!
2: No more corks for you, father!
3: Look, I'm a kid and you're a desk, it would never work out!
4: Oh I get it, we're here to learn!
5: Good God, woman, I don't actually own a pony!
6: Can anyone smell death?
7: But are you a good ghost or a bad ghost?
8: I like what you've done with your belly!
9: Get out of my head! I mean it, I will kill again!
10: These aren't my legs! Damn that hospital!
NEXT TIME IN KIDZ KORNER : Running with scissors made easy.
The Tees Bally Fibber want to hear from you!
Tell us a fact about yourself and for each
one we print we send some sellotape to Africa!
'I once got a parking ticket for leaving my car on a Traffic Warden!'
Pauline Flumps, Yarm
Was Einstein an idiot?
We ask Spike Pain, lead singer with Tees death-metal band
about whether he'd ever consider growing up and playing some proper music.
COMPETITION TIME : Win a kidney! You never know when you might need it!
Offer you 1 free coffee.
Just hand this monitor to the waitress and say 'hey hey!'
