IS THIS THE REAL SANTA?
ICY DISCOVERY IN TEES HILLS
Frozen body could be the true St Nick

Could this be the scientific and historic find of the century? – Santa’s frozen body in the side of one of the Eston Hills It’s thought a recent minor landslide unearthed the underground glacier where Father Christmas’s body is situated. The amazing find was discovered by a local rambler who regularly visits the hills to enjoy the scenery and wank.

The sub-zero cadaver is roughly 20 foot tall which dismisses the traditional theories that Santa was 5ft 3. If it is irrefutably Santa then it could spell the end for seasonal workers who pose as the Christmas figure in department stores. The fat, creepy overweight men who smell of booze will have to find proper jobs in future.

Cryogenics expert Dr Aaron Menutz is in charge of defrosting the Crimbo corpse. He said, ’Initial testing of soil samples and carbon dating of the ice particles have concluded the body has been there ages. Possibly lots of years.’

Already Dr Menutz and his team have begun to thaw out the giant Yuletide icon, but security measures are being strictly adhered to. He told us, ’We’ve soon too many horror filums where they thaw out something and it comes alive and eats everyone. That’s why we have men with guns and clubs. It Santa moves an inch he’s history. Again.

Pictured: Dr Menutz busy defrosting the icy icon.

EIFFEL TOWER ARRESTED AT TEESPORT

The Eiffel Tower has been caught trying to sneak into Britain posing as girders on the back of a lorry at Teesport. The iconic French landmark was spotted by an eagle-eyed custom official who recognised it from a school trip to Paris many years before. The Tower claims to have a cousin in Blackpool, but this has not been verified.

It’s not the first time French tourist attractions have tried to enter Britain for a better life. In 2007 the Louvre was spotted on the Eurostar pretending to be a picture book. Last year the Arc de Triomphe swam to Blighty and got as far as Southampton posing as a floating turd. The Tower will be deported later today.

Pictured: The Eiffel Tower Of Pisa at home in France, Germany

TEES MAN TALKS OF BIZARRE ENCOUNTER
WITH JEREMY CLARKSON

A Teesside man is today warning of the perils of meeting your heroes after a bizarre encounter with Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson. Hugo Brassband (34) of Stockton claims he met the elongated TV presenter in Asda’s Portrack Lane car park. He told us, ‘Mr Clarkson was making rubbings of the make and model badges of cars with some paper and a crayon. I love Top Gear and went up to him to tell him so. I noticed immediately how incredibly tall he is. Twice the size of a short man. And he doesn’t have feet, he has wheels.’

LONG TONGUE

Mr Brassband went on to say Clarkson wouldn’t speak, he just stood staring at him making car engine noises. The baffled Teessider then became frightened when the presenter’s tongue shot out from his mouth and throttled him. He said, ‘It was massive. Like a python! It wrapped around my neck and lifted me off the ground. I was losing consciousness. And all the while Clarkson never spoke and his expression remained deadpan.’

The terrified Teessider said the only voice he heard was Richard Hammond’s from inside Clarkson’s jeans, at the back, mocking him. ‘He said something like Jezza be your gallows now, boy. Then I blacked out.’

‘I woke up several hours later in agony. There were tyre marks all over my body as Clarkson must have repeatedly run over me. And, there were tiny teeth marks all over my face, like a hamster had bitten me.’

Mr Brassband says the bizarre incident won’t stop him watching Top Gear, but he’ll think twice before approaching celebrities in future.

Clarkson, looking suitably weird, yesterday

BLINKING LIAR
A Redcar woman paralysed from the neck down has been exposed as a benefit fraudster. Mrs Gladys Allover had an horrific altercation with a pencil sharpener last year leaving her bedridden. Her husband, who administers care 24/7, has claimed over 20k since the accident because his wife ‘couldn’t move a muscle on her own.’ However, this is a lie! Undercover snoops have photographic evidence of Mrs Allover repeatedly blinking! The scandalous couple will have to repay the 20 grand so it can be given to some foreign rapists hoping to relocate to Britain.

JOIN THE BIG JUMP FOR JAPAN
This week sixteen more towns across the UK have agreed to join Teesside in the Big Jump For Japan this coming New Year’s Eve. The event, coordinated by non profit organisation NEVER FORGET in Norton, will see millions of people simultaneously jumping up and down on December 31st at midnight. It’s hoped the shockwave caused across the Earth’s axis will trigger a massive tsunami in Japan and completely destroy the country. A spokesperson for Never Forget told us, ‘Leeds, Bristol, Glasgow, and Cardiff all signed up last night bringing our total to a wonderful 67 UK cities participating in the jump. That’ll learn the bastards for what they did in the war.’

MAJOR POLICE SEARCH FOR OWNER OF £1 COIN
Police are seeking the owner of a £1 coin found in Stockton Centre at the weekend. The coin, a small, goldy, roundy type looking thing, was spotted by youths out for the afternoon goading fat security guards. A major investigation, costing £13,000 of tax payers money, is well underway. Stockton Police have set up a special temporary HQ for the case at the Stakis Casino on Teesside Park.

WHAT A CARRY ON!
The increasingly bizarre Mayor Of Stockton has decreed that everything in the borough is to be rudely renamed in honour of the Carry On films. Stockton itself will be known as Cockton, Thornaby as Hornaby and Ingleby Barwick as Dingly Hardkwik. Mayor William Straker, who insists on being called Mayor Willy Stroker, has also told all female Council staff to wear very short skirts and bend over a lot more. Upon seeing this male staff must either breathlessly comment, ‘Oh I say’, or do a dirty, guttural laugh and say, ‘I recognise that face, har har har.’

KERRY: "I EAT NOTHING BUT DOGS AND I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER."

Celebrity do-little Kerry Katona’s weight has ballooned thanks to a new diet devised here on Teesside. Her lifestyle coach Morty Vicar – formerly of this very website - claims his new K9 Devine Diet Plan is the only true way to achieve a healthy and spiritual mind and body. It’s done by eating nothing but dogs! He says the Koreans have been eating dogs for thousands of years and they’re a very happy people. Mostly. Apart from the brutal oppression.

Morty told us, ‘For breakfast Kerry has a boiled Alsatian in a bowl of Golden Grahams. For lunch she is served a steamed poodle with a Chihuahua side order, and a MacDonald’s to take the taste away. And for her tea she has three grilled garlic Whippets, and a Sausage Dog stuffed with ice cream for dessert.’

FAT BITCH

Weighing in at a mere morbid 28 stone she is very positive about the future. Although she does now have a pathological hatred of cats and postmen and likes to have sex in the park.

Morty insists Kerry’s diet is the latest mutt-have chav fad. It’s cheap too as dogs are everywhere, less than a pound a hound! Morty is in talks with Duncan Bannatyne about opening a chain of health clubs cum dog-food restaurants across Teesside. Bannatyne, a Scottish person turned resident Teessider said, ‘Och aye the noo, jimmy, it’s a fandabidosi idea and I’m in!’

Kerry claims she’s cur-ed, thanks to Morty

Bring Back The Village Idiot!

Our traditional new campaign!

Llamadali, the only talking llama in Ingleby Barwick, is spearheading our fab new campaign to revive one of our oldest British traditions – the village idiot!

Political Correctness has claimed too many of our oldest traditions. Where nowadays would you see a church fete, a donkey derby, or a public hanging?

A village idiot used to be the focal point for an entire community. Everyone picked on and bullied the town divvy. It gave our communities a sense of togetherness. We, as a nation, are losing our identity!

Llamadali is urging people to come forward and nominate a buffoon for their town or village. He’s put forward his own son Grenville for the Ingleby Barwick post of village idiot. From his house in Ingleby, political activist and heavy drinker, Llamadali told us….

‘Bleatings, my loyal followers. Firstly, I wish to apologise for my recent lewd behaviour. But in my defence that pram DID look like a toilet.
To business: I nominate my own son Grenville as village idiot for Ingleby Barwick. He’s an absolute dork. Just look at him with his daft face and glasses. And don’t feel sorry for him, he’s a sicko. He bummed an owl at Lightwater Valley Fun Park. We’re barred out now. That’s why I hate him. Lightwater Valley rocks and now I can never go again because of that little weirdo.’

Llamadali and his idiot son, Grenville.

So come on Teesside – name your village idiot!

We want to hear from you! Tell us who your village idiot is going to be and why. Maybe there’s a strange man who walks about listening to a radio all the time that you call Danny’s Tranny? Perhaps there’s a boy with large buck teeth who goes to a special school? Is there a woman who feeds cats in the graveyard and reeks of widdle? If so, nominate them for the post of your village idiot!

MIDDLESBROUGH
We have this trampy bloke in Middlesbrough town centre who shouts at pigeons. Pigeon Pete we call him. He should be our village idiot.
Dr Horatio Crippen, Middlesbrough Health Centre

NORTON
There’s this boy who wanders on the village green in Norton looking for his dog. He hasn’t got a dog. It’s in his mad mind. He’s hilarious.
Lucas Ayde, Community Warden, Norton

THORNABY
There’s this really fat woman in Thornaby Town Centre most days. I’m not sure if she’s mad, but she’s really thick. Actually, there’s quite a few like her. We could have one for everyday of the week.
Cassy O’Keyboard, The Asda, Thornaby

You can follow Llamadali’s
‘Bring Back The Village Idiot Campaign’
on Twitter. CLICK HERE

INTRODUCING THE FAT NAV

On the road? Need some nosebag pronto? You need the Fat Nav. It takes you directly to MacDonalds, Burger King, Pizza Hut, Kentucky, in fact every major waistline engorging food chain.

The Fat Nav has many unique voices to chose from such as…

Starving, Whiney Teenager,

Greedy, Common Woman,
Vulgar Man Eating With Mouth Full,
Burping Black Fellow.

It alerts you whenever there’s a fast food outlet in the vicinity
with specially selected phrases as:
There’s a Maccy D’s, pull over I’m bastard starving.
Was that a Kentucky? It was! Go back! Go back!
Oh I could just go a Burger King right about now. Me.

Available at all good electrical stores.
And the shite ones too, like Maplins.

Dear TBF,
Just been on that website where everyone is incredibly rude to one another, ‘SHUT-YER-F***ING FACEBOOK.’ My word it’s brutal.
R.Vienna, Yarm

Dear TBF,
A week of sad memories for me. This time last year I lost my wife. Tragically, a day later I found her again.
Omar Darlin, Stockton

Dear TBF,
My dog is definitely gay. It just kissed me on the lips. Of course I’m flattered, and curious, but would taking things further ruin our relationship? Help!
Peter Doubt, Middlesbrough

Dear TBF,
Tip for married men, do NOT write a wedding anniversary card to ‘My Current Wife.’ Very bad move. Cobblers have been firmly booted.
Russell Sprouts, Redcar

Dear TBF,
Just been on that violent new, girls only, cyber bullying website!
TO-‘IT-‘ER. You seen it?
R.Vienna, Yarm

Dear TBF,
I asked my local vicar, a woman, about Sunday’s service. I said hymns – I should have said hers. I had to leave I was so embarrassed.
Chris Tingle, Acklam

Dear TBF,
So it's sexist to comment on a nice pair of boobs now is it? It's political correctness gone mad! Mum should have been flattered.
Dan Derman, Hartlepool

Dear TBF,
Do you think, if Michael Caine saw Lulu through a collideascope, he’d say ‘Lulus, thousands of ‘em.’ I think he would.
B.O.Wulf, Fairfield

Dear TBF,
Bloody Stockton Council Bin-Nazis! Apparently bodies of cold callers beaten to death have to go in the new bags provided! What a faff on!
Dom Estos, Egglescliffe

Dear TBF,
Just bought one of those Blind iPhones. You can go on all the naughty rude websites and it just looks the other way.
R.Vienna, Yarm

Dear TBF,
I do so love seeing children’s faces light up at a firework display. Maybe not literally like last Bonfire Night. Mustn't let them get that close next year.
Dixon O’Dockgreen, Thornaby

Dear TBF,
Going to take my kids to a safe firework display next year. One where you can stick a banger up a cat's arse without it scratching you.
Annie Bodythere, Sedgefield

twits out for the lads
The Twitter site just for builders

Brickhead I just seen a bird wiv massive knockers. I called her a slaaaag!

HardHelmet LOL, you did right. She was probly gagging for it. Dirty bitch. LOL AGAIN

ROBTHEBUILDER We’s doing new windows for a young mum. Her nicker draw is full of frillies. Sniffed the lot. Sluuurp. Ha ha!

HardHelmet LOL, you did right. She is probly gagging for it. Mucky who-ah. LMFAO

DaveDav&DaftDav OMFG – the geezer we are building an extention for has payed us up front. We’re facking off to another job. Wot a dickhead.

HardHelmet LOL, you do right. He was probly gagging for it. Sexy sod. I have homosexual tendencies. Crap howdo you delete these things!!!