TIP ONE
Farmers, your old cows and pigs can be recycled as burgers and sausages.
TIP TWO
Made too much toast? Don't throw it out, write a nice message on a slice in food colouring
and post it to someone as a goodwill card.
TIP THREE
Journey South cds make great weapons for throwing at people you hate.
Like Journey South for example.
TIP FOUR
Rotten fruit mushed up makes an ideal paste for warding off the black death.
Smear some on your back.
TIP FIVE
Dog dead? Hollow it out to make a fetching hat.
REMEMBER THE THREE R's - Recycle, Recycle, Ricicles!
9.35 The Face Of Boe-Selecta
More madcap comic creations with the enigmatic funny one
10.20 What Not To Werewolf
Watch the fur fly as catty Trine-E and Zu-Zana give some more
hairy alien monsters a makeover.
11.10 I've Been Absorbed By Abzorballof
Get Me Out Of Here Reality celebrity game show set in a big fat alien.
12.00 You Are What You Delete
Nutrition show for overweight Cybermen
12.45 Doctor Who Do You Think You Are?
The mysterious Time Lord looks into his family history and uncovers his real name.
It's Lisa.
1.50 Master's Mind
Today's specialist subjects: domination of the universe, dimensional travel
and its application for evil, and stamp collecting.
3.35 Doctors
10 has problems with a troublesome patient whilst 7, 5 and 3 argue about
the new receptionist. Guest starring Colin Baker, as usual.
4.35 Time Cheem
This week the archaeologist trees unearth evidence of their own roots.
5.00 How Slitheen Is Your House?
Kim and Aggie visit Margaret Blaine's house and get a very nasty surprise. Hooray!
6.00 Honey We're Killing The Kids
Sitcom about a dysfunctional Krillatine family.
7.00 Doctor Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
The Doctor uses the Tardis to check his questions are right before answering. Cheat.
8.10 Cybermen Behaving Badly
Hilarious comedy set in an alternate dimension.
9.00 The K9 O'clock News
With weather from Sarah Jane Smith.
How did you score?
If you got a quarter of these Dr Who jokes then you're a fan of the show
but you don't let it overshadow your life. Well done.
If you got half of these Dr Who jokes, you are bordering on obsessive
and should seek help from Who-A-Holics immediately.
If you got all of these Dr Who jokes you probably still live with your mum.
DID YOU KNOW the very first takeaway on Teesside opened in 1876 in Marton and sold only snack sized portions of salt in small paper cups. It was an instant hit with teenagers who enjoyed casting the empty cups into the street and that's how littering was born.
DID YOU KNOW Middlesbrough was originally called Ironopolis because the first decorative ironing board covers were invented there.
DID YOU KNOW there is an ancient by-law, still in effect in some rural areas of Teesside, that states it is illegal to steal God's sunshine. Anyone with a solar panel in Great Ayton, for example, can face burning at the stake. My ex-wife lives there and she's got a solar panel!
More eye popping facts with Woodrow next time... he's drunk.
Professor Husk says... Ho ho, what a great couple of questions, Andrew. Aeroplanes use clouds as a form of propulsion. They have a large metal mouth at the front of the plane which eats clouds as it flies high in the sky. The clouds then go into the plane's tummy, or the fuselage, where millions of mechanical fingers tickle the cloud until it sneezes. The force of the sneeze is fired out of the back of the plane, or the botty, and this propels the plane forward. This system requires many clouds that's why you never see a plane fly on a clear day, because - in answer to your second question - they would run out of fuel and yes, they'd stay up there until a cloudy day came along.
More from the knowledgeanious Professor next ish - or alternatively you can always find him in the Griffin Pub, Thornaby, asleep in the corner.
AN EVENING OF COLD READING
Tonight at the Grabbing Hands Pub, Low Morals, 7.30 pm
Claire Voyant : I can see a lucrative evening ahead!
Come and enjoy an evening of parting with your money and being made to look a gullible fool by Teesside's Finest Clairvoyant - Claire Voyant.
She's The Medium With An Extra Large Bank Balance
The Stunning Debut Single
The Tees Bally Fibber is proud to offer you the chance to hear
the wonderful new dance track by Ingleby Barwick boy band Ingleboy.
They're four 18 stone 18 year olds who live, breathe and eat melody. And chips.
Their new single You Can't Leave Me (I'm Diabetic)
is available to download free from our website.
INGLEBOY!
PUMP UP THE CHOLESTEROL
