NOTHING TO SNEEZE AT
If, whilst in public, you feel an uncontrollable sneeze coming on, always snot into your left hand as you should keep your right hand free for shaking hands, or holding doors for large breasted women. Alternatively, you can snot into a bin, or the hair of someone who could not possibly run faster than you. Wheelchair folk, for example. Hey presto, your social embarrassment is gone.
GIVE ONE, TAKE ONE
If, you are invited to a friend's house, always take a small gift, a token of your esteem, like a watchmaker's screwdriver set, or a whiskey miniature. Whilst this is polite, it is going to be expensive in the long run, so always take something when you leave. Steal a small ornament, or even a DVD, anything you can sell on EBay and recoup your losses. Hey presto, social graces are observed and you might even end up with a few quid in your pocket
SECOND WORLD WAR AND PEACE
If, whilst out shopping, you are bothered by scroungers collecting for charity and do not wish to appear rude or tight, simply tell them you only have German deutschmarks left to you by your glorious grandfather Adolf Hitler. Hey presto, the charity person will instantly decline the coins and leave you in peace.
A BIRTHDAY LIST
If, it is your boss's birthday and you want to give him a gift, but do not want to appear toadying or crawly bum licky, simply write down a list of derogatory remarks made about him by your fellow workmates over the last year. Hey presto, your birthday boss now has a defined list of his enemies and you may even secure a promotion for yourself.
GENTLEMAN'S SACRIFICE
If, at a social gathering such as a dinner party or wake - a lady accidentally breaks wind, and follows through as my wife invariably does, you can diffuse the situation and deflect the embarrassment onto your self by removing your old fella from it's underpants enclosure, shaking it about and shouting Free Tibet. Hey presto, the lady's air biscuit incident will be instantly forgotten.
Ps AND QUEUES
If, in the 9 items or less queue, the man behind you notices you have 10 items - and you have accidentally lashed out by punching him in the throat and kicking him while he's down - you can diffuse the situation by pointing out the pomegranates are buy one get one free should therefore be counted as one item. Hey presto social niceties are fully restored.
MIND GAMES
If, on the bus you've suddenly and violently been sick, you can diffuse the situation, and the anger of the invariably bald and loutish driver, by shouting the words 'mumbo jumbo' over and over and pointing at imaginary animals only you can see. Hey presto, the driver will think you are a mental and put you off the bus at the next convenient stop.
ADDRESSING A HARRIDAN
If, in the workplace, a female is ranked higher than a male, and you do not know how to address her, it is always best to be honest and humorous. Call her Top Dog, Lady Fuhrer, or Vampyros Lesboss. Hey presto, the social stigma of a woman being promoted to a position beyond her intelligence is avoided, and she may even sleep with you.
PARTY SMARTY
If, you are invited to a party at a friend's, but are unsure whether to arrive casually early or fashionably late, do both! Arrive half two hours early and drink as much booze as you can until you are asked to leave. Have a sleep in the garden then arrive two hours late and start drinking again. Hey presto, social etiquette has been observed and you got off your face, twice!
